One of the things about ship life we have to get used to are the announcements that seem to happen all the time. In the mornings the loudspeakers always seem to blaring about one thing or another. Either its telling people to get on tender boats, or telling the crew to run a drill, but mostly its to let people know that they are going to be playing bingo in the Galaxy of the stars.
It gets so that these announcements become like the buzzing of mosquitoes on a summer day. You don’t even think about it until one of them sucks on your blood, and you get malaria. Then you wonder why you spent you’re summer in Tanzania. So two weeks ago we were making our way back to New Orleans. It was like any other return trip, the passengers were exhausted from their vacations, and we were exhausted with the passengers who don’t believe in washing and sanitizing their hands before eating. I was sitting in my room knowing that I should probably be working on my blog but instead I was playing Warcraft counting the minutes until we got far enough up the Mississippi river that my phone would have service again and I could call my wife. Just as I was about to lay a beating on the scourge of the undead the ship started shaking violently.
Now the boat shaking is usually no big deal. It happens whenever they speed up or slow down the ship. Plus, the current captain has no interest in using the stabilizers on the boat. It saves gas, and if some people get seasick well then they’re just pussies. Now when the shaking first started I figured we had probably just entered the Mississippi river, the currents there are strong and take maneuvering. However the shaking did not stop instead it kept going and getting stronger and stronger. In my moment of distraction the scourge of the undead had sealed their victory over me. I was about to restart the game when suddenly through my wall I heard “Code Bravo, Code Bravo.” I was immediately intrigued because this was one of the few codes that I knew.
Now on the ships they have codes for all sorts of things. A code Delta is a biological hazard on the boat. What that means I have no idea, although if you eat at Raffles long enough you’ll experience a code Delta in the bathroom. What? Yeah, I just did a stupid joke. Boom. Deal with it. No. boom. Deal with it. Then there is code Oscar, which means somebody, has fallen off the boat. We had one just this morning. Which I’m surprised hasn’t happened sooner. On the days we are in Belize we anchor a couple of miles offshore and smaller boats come and pick up the passengers and then take them to shore. So in my opinion it was only a matter of time before some goofball decided he didn’t need any help getting on to one of these boats and fell in. In my wildest dreams I always hope that the person falls in driving a little rascal scooter. Not that I want anything to happen to the person, but man do I hate those things. People who use them aren’t little rascals on their little rascals, they’re just humongous pains in the ass. Hey buddy, if you have the strength to get off the boat and into another one then how about not forcing three crew members to pick up you’re five hundred pound fat ass trolley. If you can’t move have the decency to ask the ship to borrow a wheel chair, their lighter. Sorry I’m venting. Anyway the most important code on the ship is CODE BRAVO.
The most dangerous thing on a ship is fire. I know this because I’ve been told this over a hundred times now since being on the ship. Since being on the ship we’ve had two Code Bravo’s: One when there was a fire in Raffles (the buffet) that was quickly put out, but had the whole crew scrambling. The second is what I’m now talking about. So when I first heard Code Bravo I thought “Another fire in Raffles.” And since I delight in irony I decided to go out and have a cigarette. When I stepped out of my room one of my room stewards Bogart was standing there. Bogart has been working on ships a long time. He seems to know everything, so I figured I should gauge the Bravo situation with him. “Did I hear Code Bravo?” I asked him. “Yes, Mr. Peter.” He responded. “Fire in the engine room.” I felt my stomach drop a little. Don’t we need engines? Hmmmmm. Better ask Bogart. “Is that bad?” I asked him. “I wouldn’t worry about it Mr. Peter. Now I need to leave an inordinate amount of mints on your pillow and not fold your towels so they look like animals.” (sic) He said and then shrugged. I felt better immediately although a little sad that Bogart won’t fold towel animals for me. I guess we didn’t need engines, or maybe the fire was small.
I stepped out onto the deck and was greeted with the overwhelming smell of smoke. I checked to see if I had lit my cigarette without realizing it. Still unlit. Yet, it really smelled like smoke, like a lot of smoke. I surmised maybe I was having a sensory hallucination. I figured that an epileptic seizure was coming so I waited for a moment to see if the taste of chocolate covered cherries and the screams of children would fill my mouth and ears. It didn’t come. I then thought possibly I only smelled smoke because I was worried the fire might be big. Probably all in my head. Time to get a second opinion. So I went and knocked on my friend James’ door. He quickly answered and I asked him to follow me outside. “You hear that code bravo?” He inquired. I shook my head yes, and we stepped on the deck. “Am I crazy or do you smell smoke?” I asked him. “Holy fuck! It reeks of smoke out here. Hell you can see it man!” James exclaimed. I began to feel a little nervous, but I remember Bogart’s assurances and clamed myself. We walked further out onto the deck and looked up. Smoke was coming out of the top of the boat.
I understand smoke is supposed to come out of the top of boats. Yet usually it’s just small wisps of smoke. What James and I were looking at was the smoke coming out of every corner, crack, and crevice of the smoke stake. Smoke was belching out like the engine had drunk a bottle of Jaggermeister and decided to have a meal of raw chicken. OK. OK. Don’t panic I told myself. This could just LOOK bad, doesn’t mean it IS bad. We then heard people calling us from the deck below. A group of the youth counselors had gathered below us and looked panicked. “What is going on?” they yelled. I brushed them off. I was more interested in the smoke, and didn’t feel like dealing with the youth counselors. My feeling was that they work on the ship; they should know what’s going on. James went down to talk to them. I muttered to him “They haven’t sounded the alarm, we should all just relax.” A LOT OF SMOKE was coming out of the smoke stack. No alarm though. Nothing to worry about.
See when the shit really hits the fan and its necessary for everybody to bug out quick, they sound alarms. Five short blasts followed by one long blast. I think. I just know for certain short blasts followed by long means we have problems. So as I stood there dumbly staring at the smoke, James went down to talk to the youth counselors. From what he told me they were crying and very upset. There was smoke in the kid’s center and they weren’t getting any answers from anybody. Although I didn’t see any kids with them. So I could be wrong but my feeling was that instead of standing outside and crying maybe they should be with the kids. Of course for all I know the kids could have been out of my line of sight. Although even if they were, there is nothing like crying yourself to keep a kid calm. Kids love it when adults cry. It makes them feel safe.
“They haven’t sounded the alarm.” James told them calmly “There’s nothing to worry about. Everything will be fine.” I believe he may have even patted them on the shoulder to enforce the sense that there was no need to panic. Then the alarm sounded.
The blasts were short, but man did they seem long. I immediately started to head to my cabin. From below I heard James scream, “This is it! This is it!” I would’ve laughed immediately at the sight of James abandoning those youth counselors to their fate if I wasn’t to busy counting how many alarm blasts there had been. One. Two. Three. James is taking steps four at a time to meet me on the upper deck. FOUR. FIVE. Keep walking. “Hey what’s going on man? What is going ON?” A passenger was yelling at us. James was with me now. “Alarm.” James said curtly as we walked to our cabins. “Why is there an alarm?” the passenger nearly screamed at us. We just kept walking. Where was the long blast? Wasn’t there supposed to be a long blast? Maybe it had happened already. All those blasts seemed fucking long. Talk to Bogart. Bogart will know what to do. No need to panic the passenger, just ignore him. If this is real there will be an announcement soon.
We found Bogart standing in the hall. His eyes were very wide and he seemed glad to see us. “Is this real?” I asked Bogart. “Yes, Mr. Peter. Get you’re stuff.” With that said Bogart’s duty to James and me was fulfilled and he disappeared. My stomach felt very cold for a second, and then suddenly everything became very clear very quickly. Grab the wedding photo. Grab the cell phone and laptop. Make sure to have you’re passport and wallet. Call Tabitha and Katy see if they need any help. Make sure James doesn’t do anything crazy. Shawn will be fine; he’s been on these boats longer than any of us. He’s the big brother. No need to worry. Natalie’s parents are visiting, they are with her. They’ll take care of her. Grab you’re life jacket. Time to go. Wait. Make sure James isn’t doing anything crazy.
Everything I needed was in my computer bag and I went and knocked on James door. All I could imagine was James trying to take everything he owned. Filling another bag with the magnetic core of the earth. He answered the door with a frantic look on his face. “Take only what you need.” I said. I saw a lot of clothes on his bed. I imagined just knocking him out and throwing him over my shoulder, instead of helping him pack his hair products. Then the loudspeaker blared again. Here it comes. The announcement. James and I just stared at each other waiting to spring into action. “Hey folks Darin here, you’re cruise director. Sorry for the interruption to you’re evening but some of you might have heard some alarms sound. Nothing to worry about. False alarm. There was a small fire in the engine room that has been contained. It will have no effect on our docking time tomorrow. We will be in New Orleans at 8AM. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”
Immediately the laughter came, James and me could not stop. We were crying we were laughing so hard. “Those poor youth counselors.” He shrieked. “You fucking abandoned them man! Hysterical.” “I guess I’m not a brave man.” We imagined Shawn going up to raffles in the middle of the boat being on fire to grab ice cream, we howled at the thought of James packing all his stuff and taking up a seat on a tender for his bag. The thought of both of us screaming “We’re passengers! We’re passengers! We’ve never even been in the crew bar.” Had us in giggling fits. Everything was fine.
Later that evening we learned it wasn’t exactly a small fire. That the engine was shot, and there were rumors that we were going to dry dock to repair it. The ship has about four engines I think. I guess one had already broken down earlier in the trip and I wasn’t aware of it. So now we were down to two. Everyone was talking excitedly of maybe having a week in New Orleans, or maybe going home! Yet, we were a week away from the holidays and I couldn’t imagine this boat stopping during its most profitable time of year. My thoughts were right, the boat left that Sunday night so that people could enjoy the Norwegian Cruise line philosophy of Freestyling! Yet due to the loss of the engine we lost Guatemala on our itinerary.
When I went back to my room and unpacked my computer bag, I realized that I had successfully only taken what was necessary. My heart, my soul, my mind, my voice, and my identity. In the end I guess what else are we?
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Sunday
Well sunday's here and I find myself running around new orleans picking up present,grabbing a present, realizing that I didn't bring my camera and I haven't downloaded new pictures into the computer. Yeah, super busy day on the blog. I suck. So let me wish you all a very merry christmas. And there will be more pics on friday when I'm in cazumel.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Pics
Sunday will be a big day for the blog. We're covering production casts, ghost hunting on the boat, crew parties, christmas shows and new years resolutions. But for now new pics.
Lets start with James and Natalie doing the karaoke. It was there birthday I got drunk and wouldn't stop singing.
Me and the greatest waiter/bodygaurd on the boat. I give you TITO! Bang it now explode it! Boom!
Me, Natalie, and James do an interpretive dance representing the holy trinity. Try to figure out which one of us is the holy ghost. Hint....its the drunk one.
Me and Bree from the NCL production company doing death of a salesman. I've just informed Bree who is playing my boss that a man is not a piece of a fruit.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
BLOG DELAYED ON ACCOUNT OF FIRE
I know I have to tell you about the dancers but what with christmas shopping, and boat fires not a lot of time. here is a picture or two. This is beautiful guetmala.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Natalie can try to step on my toes, but I be too quick...
So anyway on monday. I was quietly going about my day. It was a day at sea which meant that up at the crack of 10:20 to get breakfast before the buffet closed. Spend a few hours writing, a few hours playing games, draw more cartoons of my cast members, do an improv rehersal, and then more writing and games. It was looking to be a pretty full day. Then suddenly I got a call in my room and a sweet voice asked me why I wasn't down in the theatre. I assumed it was a ghost. Lately we've been hearing a lot of stories about ghosts on the boat. I was very excited, a ghost was about to tell me how much they loved my show and it sounded like a really sexy ghost. not that I would cheat on my wife with anybody even a deisembodied voice on the phone, but its nice to hear you're work is appreciated by "hot" people, dead or otherwise. Turns out it wasn't a ghost it was Bree one of the dancers (in fact dance captain!) of the NCL production company. There could only be one reason why she would be calling and asking me to come to the theatre. I was about to be asked to be a dancer!
I dance a lot on the boat, and let me tell you I rock! If you were at Anna Meiner's wedding you would know. I had noticed for weeks the dancers and singers of the NCL production company pointing and staring whenever I would Flu-baby boogie shoes on and go to dance town. Obviously they had seen the skill, and now probably one of the male dancers couldn't perform and I was being called up to the majors. As I made my way down to the theatre I wondered what had happened to the male dancer I was replacing. Probably decapitated by a ghost throwing a piece of metal in a rage because they can't figure out how to go to heaven. I made a mental note to send the ghosts a thank you note. Then a thought struck me what if they didn't want me to dance at all? Maybe they wanted me to sing!
My castmates Natalie and James share a birthday. So a few weeks prior we had thrown them a birthday party in a karaoke room. The boat offers private rooms for karaoke. I heard before Norwegian bought this boat the previous owners used the rooms as a place where their clentele could go and hang out with strippers, that were also hookers, that also sang KARAOKE! I could only imagine what Faith Hill's Breathe would sound like if a naked woman was singing it with a mouth full of....never mind. (Peter you're parents read this blog!) Well at this Karaoke party I rocked the mic hard, I sang every song. Natalie saide for her birthday she wanted to hear me sing, so I gave her the present of a lifetime. Now the NCL singers and dancers had been there as well. So they had heard me sing some billy joel. Looks like maybe I would be singing and dancing. I wondered what happened to the singers that led to them being unable to sing. I assumed one of them had been decapitated by a disgruntled worker pretending to be a ghost to scare people away from the boat, so he could buy it cheap and set up a floating amusement park. Knowing that the logic centers in my brain were in perfect working order I went into the theatre to meet my destiny.
Much to my chagrin the entire production companyt were all alive. No one had even been horribly maimed. Fucking gyp! I mean thank goodness. So they were all there and so were members of my cast. What was going on here? It could only mean one thing. KNIFE FIGHT FOR REHERSAL TIME!!!! I slowly began to unseathe my blade from the crack of my ass. It would be a tough fight since the production company has us outmanned two to one. I began to figure out my game plan. I would go for achilles tendons. Ruben and Joe would be my first targets since I figure they might be the biggest threats, although April looked pretty scrappy. I asked the ceremonial question before any good knife fight. "So why are we all here?" and I braced myself for the ceremonial answer. A thunderous shout of KNIFE FIGHT! and the blades would be flying and the blood would be spilling. Although hopefully not too much blood, I pass out easy. Instead I was greeted with "We're planning a Christmas show spectacular!! And we're all going to be in it!" I returned my knife to my ass crack. "And you're going to be Santa Claus!" Ruben screamed joyfully. I began to draw my blade again...from my ass crack.
So where am I going with all of this? If you've been reading my blog you know probably nowhere but in my mind I see us talking about the NCL Production company! BOOM! Three points! BOOM! I just beat you to the punch In-nat-culous Sullivan! I'm talking about them first. Go back to loser town population Two-na. Oh by the way if you want to read a real blog that is very funny and inisghtful check out my friend Natalie's at www.nataliesyachtrock.blogspot.com. More pictures, more funny comments and a narrative flow that makes sense. Only at www.nataliesyachtrock.blogspot.com!!
The production company is a group of singers and dancers who work on the boat. They do A LOT OF STUFF. They do a show called Broadway, where they do a medley of songs from a theatre called BROADWAY that I think is in Indiana. I really want to see what the show looks like in Indiana because Natalie told me that these are only a few of the songs from the show. Kind of a best of. From what I can piece together from the show on the boat, the story of this musical is this a guy breaks up with her boyfriend puts on a sequined jumpsuit, gets her friends to put on sequined jumpsuits and they sing abba songs leading to a knife fight where the winner takes it all. After the knife fight one of the friends says I'm moving out! and he and his friends roll up their jeans and like a bunch of angry young men help their friend move out of his apartment, by holding him above their heads. He looks like Jesus on the cross as he's moving out. So you know he's one of those guys. The kind that ask you to help them move, and then bitch about how heavy their stuff is, and you end up doing all the work. So after he moves out his girlfriend is really upset and she moves to the land of OZ. I guess her boyfriend had a blog and only told his side of the relationship because when she gets to OZ everybody prejudges her before getting to know her and call her wicked. If only she had move to boston, them calling her wicked, would've been a good thing. Anyway she gets an apartment in the emerald city and she makes a friend. A LOUSY FRIEND. Her friend is the type of girl that makes friends with girls not as attractive as her so she can come off being the hot one. Or the "POPULAR" one. Gross. Anyway the chick is like fuck this I moved from New York to put up with this shit? I dont think so? Then she defies gravity and people are looking to the western sky and going holy crap she can defy gravity....that's WICKED! So I think she moves to Boston after all. Where she ends up in a nightclub singing songs, I couldn't follow the next part of the story because it was really JAZZY. And when things get Jazzy (unless the jazzy is followed by the name Jeff and preceeded by the title DJ) I start to lose focus. So all I can say about the next part is that there was a lot of dancing and I rode a paddle boat with Ricky Gervais. So then the story jumps to twenty years later, and the girl has had a daughter who loves to sing and dance but she doesn't anymore. Oh and its the sixities woh oh oh, welcome to it. The chick who defied gravity is now living in Baltimore and her daughter wants to hang out with the nicest kids in town, but the nicest kids in town are kind of dumb. This TV journalist who sings and interviews them explains that they aren't going to get into college. Even though one of the kids names is IQ!!!! I guess in this story nice=dumb. Not sure if I care for that message, but I can't argue with its inherient truth. Anyway the daughter shows the mom the joy of dancing and singing again and then this guy Joe does like TEN BACKFLIPS!!!! At which point I was in love with this show, and hoped they did a sequel about the backflip guy trying to get into college on a backflip scholarship. I would call the show "Tommy"
So then they do another show called "On the Radio" which I have retitled "Radio, Radio" because its a better title. Anyway in this show they take us through the history of music from 1967 and to 1997. Basically from when music first came into existance and when it stopped. To explain this show think of your top ten favorite songs of all time, AND BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Because if you say Lou Rawls, or SMASHING PUMPIKINS, or the Beatles you're lying to yourself and just trying to be elitist. For you people all I can say is go back to OZ and be popular. Gross. Now after you've been honest with yourself you would say my favorite songs are.....
1. taking care of business. Guess what in the show!
2. That green day song about the time of your life......guess what in the show and the performers hold hands and almost kiss. Super hot!
3. CHUMBAWAMBA's I get knocked down......Prepare for you're ass to meet the floor because this show will knock you down because its in there!
4. Get Down tonight........Yeah, its there now get back up
5. The Star Wars theme.......Natalie says I'm wrong about this one, but I'm pretty sure Joe did backflips to it.
6. Sweet Home Alabama........Take that Nirvana! I'm sure Kurt Corbain became suicidal because he couldn't write a song this catchy.
7. Rolling down the river (the ike turner version).....Great song, kind of a dissapointment in the show. The performers chose to focus on the Tina aspect of the song instead of the Ike. Get it right people!
8. Weird Science!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shouldn't have to say anything more but I will.......everybody is covered in glow tape and they have glowing hoola hooops.
9. Whip it!! The singer dances like a robot....like a robot!!!!! Then the star wars theme came back. NO NATALIE IT DID!!!
10. Cup of Life.........The song so perfect that no music came after it. Ole' ole' ole'
The performers of the production company also do specialty nights where they teach people to dance. There's latin night where they teach us the best way to dance to steal jobs from Americans and infuriate Lou Dobbs. There's swing night which makes old people feel young again, and gives us the oppritunity to pity them. I LOVE SWING NIGHT! Even though the steps are hard. Then there is Hip Hop night. Where they dance to the works of Beatrix Potter with a focus on Peter Rabbit. I haven't made it to this night yet. Mostly because I was teased cruelly as a child because I shared the name of title character. Also I kept losing my shoes and Jacket in Mr. McGregor's garden after gorging myself on vegetables with my scottish cousin Benjamin. They do a beer festival night created by our cruise director which is the most authentic beer this side of Germany. As a young man I dreamed of going to Germany to witness the beer festivals, what with their pinatas, racing stripes, sing alongs to Jim Croche songs, and then dancers teaching us line dancing. Well now I don't have to go to Germany, because its on my boat. A true beer festival with pinatas, racing stripes, jim croche, and line dancing ach un leiber I am und luv!
They also do work on the ship like swiping cards when people get on and off, fighting fires. Fires they create with their smoking dancing and singing probably, and repel pirates with water cannons and hand grenades. These guys are very busy and it makes me feel almost ashamed of how little I do on the boat. Almost. I would do backflips but it makes my epilepsy act up.
So now we are going to do a christmas show with the production company. I have been cast as Santa Clause. It is going to really fill up my schedule for the next week. So now that we know what the production company does, tommorrow we will meet them. And after that my blog will change to COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS: THE YULE-AGEDDON. CUE STAR WARS MUSIC NATALIE!!
I dance a lot on the boat, and let me tell you I rock! If you were at Anna Meiner's wedding you would know. I had noticed for weeks the dancers and singers of the NCL production company pointing and staring whenever I would Flu-baby boogie shoes on and go to dance town. Obviously they had seen the skill, and now probably one of the male dancers couldn't perform and I was being called up to the majors. As I made my way down to the theatre I wondered what had happened to the male dancer I was replacing. Probably decapitated by a ghost throwing a piece of metal in a rage because they can't figure out how to go to heaven. I made a mental note to send the ghosts a thank you note. Then a thought struck me what if they didn't want me to dance at all? Maybe they wanted me to sing!
My castmates Natalie and James share a birthday. So a few weeks prior we had thrown them a birthday party in a karaoke room. The boat offers private rooms for karaoke. I heard before Norwegian bought this boat the previous owners used the rooms as a place where their clentele could go and hang out with strippers, that were also hookers, that also sang KARAOKE! I could only imagine what Faith Hill's Breathe would sound like if a naked woman was singing it with a mouth full of....never mind. (Peter you're parents read this blog!) Well at this Karaoke party I rocked the mic hard, I sang every song. Natalie saide for her birthday she wanted to hear me sing, so I gave her the present of a lifetime. Now the NCL singers and dancers had been there as well. So they had heard me sing some billy joel. Looks like maybe I would be singing and dancing. I wondered what happened to the singers that led to them being unable to sing. I assumed one of them had been decapitated by a disgruntled worker pretending to be a ghost to scare people away from the boat, so he could buy it cheap and set up a floating amusement park. Knowing that the logic centers in my brain were in perfect working order I went into the theatre to meet my destiny.
Much to my chagrin the entire production companyt were all alive. No one had even been horribly maimed. Fucking gyp! I mean thank goodness. So they were all there and so were members of my cast. What was going on here? It could only mean one thing. KNIFE FIGHT FOR REHERSAL TIME!!!! I slowly began to unseathe my blade from the crack of my ass. It would be a tough fight since the production company has us outmanned two to one. I began to figure out my game plan. I would go for achilles tendons. Ruben and Joe would be my first targets since I figure they might be the biggest threats, although April looked pretty scrappy. I asked the ceremonial question before any good knife fight. "So why are we all here?" and I braced myself for the ceremonial answer. A thunderous shout of KNIFE FIGHT! and the blades would be flying and the blood would be spilling. Although hopefully not too much blood, I pass out easy. Instead I was greeted with "We're planning a Christmas show spectacular!! And we're all going to be in it!" I returned my knife to my ass crack. "And you're going to be Santa Claus!" Ruben screamed joyfully. I began to draw my blade again...from my ass crack.
So where am I going with all of this? If you've been reading my blog you know probably nowhere but in my mind I see us talking about the NCL Production company! BOOM! Three points! BOOM! I just beat you to the punch In-nat-culous Sullivan! I'm talking about them first. Go back to loser town population Two-na. Oh by the way if you want to read a real blog that is very funny and inisghtful check out my friend Natalie's at www.nataliesyachtrock.blogspot.com. More pictures, more funny comments and a narrative flow that makes sense. Only at www.nataliesyachtrock.blogspot.com!!
The production company is a group of singers and dancers who work on the boat. They do A LOT OF STUFF. They do a show called Broadway, where they do a medley of songs from a theatre called BROADWAY that I think is in Indiana. I really want to see what the show looks like in Indiana because Natalie told me that these are only a few of the songs from the show. Kind of a best of. From what I can piece together from the show on the boat, the story of this musical is this a guy breaks up with her boyfriend puts on a sequined jumpsuit, gets her friends to put on sequined jumpsuits and they sing abba songs leading to a knife fight where the winner takes it all. After the knife fight one of the friends says I'm moving out! and he and his friends roll up their jeans and like a bunch of angry young men help their friend move out of his apartment, by holding him above their heads. He looks like Jesus on the cross as he's moving out. So you know he's one of those guys. The kind that ask you to help them move, and then bitch about how heavy their stuff is, and you end up doing all the work. So after he moves out his girlfriend is really upset and she moves to the land of OZ. I guess her boyfriend had a blog and only told his side of the relationship because when she gets to OZ everybody prejudges her before getting to know her and call her wicked. If only she had move to boston, them calling her wicked, would've been a good thing. Anyway she gets an apartment in the emerald city and she makes a friend. A LOUSY FRIEND. Her friend is the type of girl that makes friends with girls not as attractive as her so she can come off being the hot one. Or the "POPULAR" one. Gross. Anyway the chick is like fuck this I moved from New York to put up with this shit? I dont think so? Then she defies gravity and people are looking to the western sky and going holy crap she can defy gravity....that's WICKED! So I think she moves to Boston after all. Where she ends up in a nightclub singing songs, I couldn't follow the next part of the story because it was really JAZZY. And when things get Jazzy (unless the jazzy is followed by the name Jeff and preceeded by the title DJ) I start to lose focus. So all I can say about the next part is that there was a lot of dancing and I rode a paddle boat with Ricky Gervais. So then the story jumps to twenty years later, and the girl has had a daughter who loves to sing and dance but she doesn't anymore. Oh and its the sixities woh oh oh, welcome to it. The chick who defied gravity is now living in Baltimore and her daughter wants to hang out with the nicest kids in town, but the nicest kids in town are kind of dumb. This TV journalist who sings and interviews them explains that they aren't going to get into college. Even though one of the kids names is IQ!!!! I guess in this story nice=dumb. Not sure if I care for that message, but I can't argue with its inherient truth. Anyway the daughter shows the mom the joy of dancing and singing again and then this guy Joe does like TEN BACKFLIPS!!!! At which point I was in love with this show, and hoped they did a sequel about the backflip guy trying to get into college on a backflip scholarship. I would call the show "Tommy"
So then they do another show called "On the Radio" which I have retitled "Radio, Radio" because its a better title. Anyway in this show they take us through the history of music from 1967 and to 1997. Basically from when music first came into existance and when it stopped. To explain this show think of your top ten favorite songs of all time, AND BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Because if you say Lou Rawls, or SMASHING PUMPIKINS, or the Beatles you're lying to yourself and just trying to be elitist. For you people all I can say is go back to OZ and be popular. Gross. Now after you've been honest with yourself you would say my favorite songs are.....
1. taking care of business. Guess what in the show!
2. That green day song about the time of your life......guess what in the show and the performers hold hands and almost kiss. Super hot!
3. CHUMBAWAMBA's I get knocked down......Prepare for you're ass to meet the floor because this show will knock you down because its in there!
4. Get Down tonight........Yeah, its there now get back up
5. The Star Wars theme.......Natalie says I'm wrong about this one, but I'm pretty sure Joe did backflips to it.
6. Sweet Home Alabama........Take that Nirvana! I'm sure Kurt Corbain became suicidal because he couldn't write a song this catchy.
7. Rolling down the river (the ike turner version).....Great song, kind of a dissapointment in the show. The performers chose to focus on the Tina aspect of the song instead of the Ike. Get it right people!
8. Weird Science!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shouldn't have to say anything more but I will.......everybody is covered in glow tape and they have glowing hoola hooops.
9. Whip it!! The singer dances like a robot....like a robot!!!!! Then the star wars theme came back. NO NATALIE IT DID!!!
10. Cup of Life.........The song so perfect that no music came after it. Ole' ole' ole'
The performers of the production company also do specialty nights where they teach people to dance. There's latin night where they teach us the best way to dance to steal jobs from Americans and infuriate Lou Dobbs. There's swing night which makes old people feel young again, and gives us the oppritunity to pity them. I LOVE SWING NIGHT! Even though the steps are hard. Then there is Hip Hop night. Where they dance to the works of Beatrix Potter with a focus on Peter Rabbit. I haven't made it to this night yet. Mostly because I was teased cruelly as a child because I shared the name of title character. Also I kept losing my shoes and Jacket in Mr. McGregor's garden after gorging myself on vegetables with my scottish cousin Benjamin. They do a beer festival night created by our cruise director which is the most authentic beer this side of Germany. As a young man I dreamed of going to Germany to witness the beer festivals, what with their pinatas, racing stripes, sing alongs to Jim Croche songs, and then dancers teaching us line dancing. Well now I don't have to go to Germany, because its on my boat. A true beer festival with pinatas, racing stripes, jim croche, and line dancing ach un leiber I am und luv!
They also do work on the ship like swiping cards when people get on and off, fighting fires. Fires they create with their smoking dancing and singing probably, and repel pirates with water cannons and hand grenades. These guys are very busy and it makes me feel almost ashamed of how little I do on the boat. Almost. I would do backflips but it makes my epilepsy act up.
So now we are going to do a christmas show with the production company. I have been cast as Santa Clause. It is going to really fill up my schedule for the next week. So now that we know what the production company does, tommorrow we will meet them. And after that my blog will change to COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS: THE YULE-AGEDDON. CUE STAR WARS MUSIC NATALIE!!
Sunday, December 9, 2007
I promise I'll talk about NCL production company next week
For now this will have to do Happy thanksgiving! two weeks later!
Oh and Waffle Joe; James' friend from Pittsburg who got Katy pregnant, well he says hello. Hey waffle joe! Be a man! Step up! You know its you're kid! YEAH I JUST CALLED YOU OUT ON MY BLOG! Oh and tell you're lame ass rapper friend soft serv cupoicecream 1. worst rapper name ever! 2. Shawn is still waiting for an apology for that thing he did. That thing being not letting shawn devour him. Okay maybe I'm mad about his rapper name. BUT BITCH CALL KATY BEFORE I GIVE YOUR KIDNEYS AN ABORTION WITH MY FIST!! fucking waffle joe. Fuck you. and Fuck Pittsburg. Not the part James came from, just your part. FUCK WAFFLETOWN!
Why Am I So Loved?
So after last week’s touch feely emo-fest I felt as a writer I should go back to doing what I do best. Hard hitting op-ed pieces where I tackle the pertinent issues of the day with my own wry style and lack of any editing. (See if you can find the words I intentionally misspell for the sake of irony) So what to cover this week? The Republican debate? Probably not, I watched them at the same time as I was playing Warcraft. So right now the best republican candidate for me is Gorn Froststorm a level 5-dwarfen warrior, whose bash attack is frightening but frankly his manna recuperation rate leaves something to be desired. Oh legions of the undead how do you build your ziggurats so quickly! Okay, I’m getting off topic here. Or I could cover the mall shooting in Omaha; have some witty insight and strong thoughts on gun control. Yet, it would seem crass to do it here especially since I only caught the tail end of the story and watched Anderson Cooper struggle not to cry…again. Maybe I should try to find a funny angle about Oprah hanging out with Barrack Obama. Nope, I’m coming up with nothing. She thinks he’s a good choice for president, nothing wrong with that. I admit though I fear Oprah, so I will not say an unkind word about her or her legions of brainwashed housewives who pray for the day that Oprah will swoop in like the angel Gabriel and give them cars, new homes, and books to read to make them feel smart. So what controversial topic am I going to cover this week? I assume you read the title….yeah, that’s what I’m covering. It was more of a rhetorical question. NATALIE SAVE YOUR PITHY COMMENTS FOR WINDOWS! So lets jump right in. Why am I so loved?
Hard to say really, I wasn’t always so universally loved, or should I say people’s love for me was so great that it terrified them, because the love they were experiencing for me is close to the love GOD has for all of us. I’m kind of like that monolith that shows up in front of the cavemen in 2001 A Space Odyssey. They know they are looking at something amazing but its beyond their comprehension and they start throwing bones at it and then beat the shit out of each other. People look at me and the love they feel is so great and overwhelming that their primitive minds go crazier than a monkey in a polio vaccine factory and they start throwing things like dirt, stones, beer bottles, precious moments figurines. Instead of beating the shit of each other though people want to beat the shit out of me, because the overwhelming power of the love they feel toward my inherient greatness nearly cripples them, and no one wants to be a cripple. Ask anybody in a wheelchair and they’ll admit that if the disease of accident that put them there were an actual human. (Let’s call this human Darin, for fun’s sake) Darin would have his schedule chock full of ass whippings, beatings, blugeonings, and anvils dropped on his head.
Yet I know what you’re saying to yourself. Peter I’ve never wanted to physically assault you. I love you! Ahhh there is the rub. You’re not feeling the full amount of love you possibly can feel to me. I hide my full glorious potential until such time as the human race has evolved enough to comprehend it without their heads exploding or having to push my face into a puddle with dog feecees in it. I mask my glory. I’m an actor I have training in doing this. Yes I hide my glorious wonder with a costume of buffoonery and ineptitude. I had to learn to do this quickly because my older brother loved me so much he nearly killed me on several occasions. My mother loved me so much she knocked out a tooth with a magnetic belt. My dad loved me so much he pushed me down a flight of stairs in a box. (Note: My older brother was in the box too. He is also loved just not as much as me) So I soon learned from the angel Gabriel who climbed in my window one night in a ski mask, and holding a loft his flaming flashlight and bowie knife that I was special that my dislike of soup was actual the sign of God’s special love for me. You see the greatest trick the devil ever played on mankind was to make us all believe he doesn’t exist and that soup is good. That I was in fact a divine being sent to help people by making them realize how much they love me. He then took my piggy bank and my younger brother’s twin Denward. He told me God needed money for the waterbill and God’s wife couldn’t have babies and had taking a liking to Denward in a JC Penny. Who was I too argue with the will of God?
So now I pretend to be just normal like the rest of you. With a big dumb grin, silly dances, misspoken words (yeah, Sharon I mispronounce words on purpose so the love you have for me doesn’t kill you! In your face! With my love!) I make myself less until you are ready to fully accept in your hearts the love you have for me. Don’t believe me? Look at my cast and friends on the boat who have only known me two months, see how their love for me is killing them? My director TJ had to spread his arms SO WIDE just to show me a fragment of the love he has for me. Oh and I found the angel Gabriel. God turned him into Santa Clause! Then I guess he somehow got chemical burns to the face. Oh and animals and bones love me too!
Animals and bones going crazy for me
How much love? This much love?
alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5142078374883736114" />
Guess what Natalie just figured out how much she loves me…….shhhhh it’s a secret. Her head exploded three seconds later.
Hard to say really, I wasn’t always so universally loved, or should I say people’s love for me was so great that it terrified them, because the love they were experiencing for me is close to the love GOD has for all of us. I’m kind of like that monolith that shows up in front of the cavemen in 2001 A Space Odyssey. They know they are looking at something amazing but its beyond their comprehension and they start throwing bones at it and then beat the shit out of each other. People look at me and the love they feel is so great and overwhelming that their primitive minds go crazier than a monkey in a polio vaccine factory and they start throwing things like dirt, stones, beer bottles, precious moments figurines. Instead of beating the shit of each other though people want to beat the shit out of me, because the overwhelming power of the love they feel toward my inherient greatness nearly cripples them, and no one wants to be a cripple. Ask anybody in a wheelchair and they’ll admit that if the disease of accident that put them there were an actual human. (Let’s call this human Darin, for fun’s sake) Darin would have his schedule chock full of ass whippings, beatings, blugeonings, and anvils dropped on his head.
Yet I know what you’re saying to yourself. Peter I’ve never wanted to physically assault you. I love you! Ahhh there is the rub. You’re not feeling the full amount of love you possibly can feel to me. I hide my full glorious potential until such time as the human race has evolved enough to comprehend it without their heads exploding or having to push my face into a puddle with dog feecees in it. I mask my glory. I’m an actor I have training in doing this. Yes I hide my glorious wonder with a costume of buffoonery and ineptitude. I had to learn to do this quickly because my older brother loved me so much he nearly killed me on several occasions. My mother loved me so much she knocked out a tooth with a magnetic belt. My dad loved me so much he pushed me down a flight of stairs in a box. (Note: My older brother was in the box too. He is also loved just not as much as me) So I soon learned from the angel Gabriel who climbed in my window one night in a ski mask, and holding a loft his flaming flashlight and bowie knife that I was special that my dislike of soup was actual the sign of God’s special love for me. You see the greatest trick the devil ever played on mankind was to make us all believe he doesn’t exist and that soup is good. That I was in fact a divine being sent to help people by making them realize how much they love me. He then took my piggy bank and my younger brother’s twin Denward. He told me God needed money for the waterbill and God’s wife couldn’t have babies and had taking a liking to Denward in a JC Penny. Who was I too argue with the will of God?
So now I pretend to be just normal like the rest of you. With a big dumb grin, silly dances, misspoken words (yeah, Sharon I mispronounce words on purpose so the love you have for me doesn’t kill you! In your face! With my love!) I make myself less until you are ready to fully accept in your hearts the love you have for me. Don’t believe me? Look at my cast and friends on the boat who have only known me two months, see how their love for me is killing them? My director TJ had to spread his arms SO WIDE just to show me a fragment of the love he has for me. Oh and I found the angel Gabriel. God turned him into Santa Clause! Then I guess he somehow got chemical burns to the face. Oh and animals and bones love me too!
Animals and bones going crazy for me
How much love? This much love?
alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5142078374883736114" />Guess what Natalie just figured out how much she loves me…….shhhhh it’s a secret. Her head exploded three seconds later.
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