Nine day continued

Tuesday was Antigua and we went to a huge resort called Jolly Harbor. It was a twenty minute bus ride to get there. The buses here are basically mini-vans and for some reason many of my fellow tourists are surprised when locals hop in as well. Apparently when you’re on vacation the word bus and taxi should mean the same thing. We had intermittent rain through the day, but the beach itself was wonderful. Erica made an astute observation that the countryside of Antigua made her think of the Midwest. I agreed there seemed to be a lot of grassy plains, and hills. The feel of the place didn’t scream tropical. At one point our bus driver stopped to give money to a fruit stand in front of a school. I didn’t know what he was doing and I thought he had stopped the bus just to talk to somebody. I thought it was kind of funny so I took a picture. The woman he was talking to was not pleased. He started shouting obscenities at the van. I thought about it for a while as to why she would be mad, and then I figured to her my snapping a picture was an act of arrogance. As if I was sitting in the van thinking “How adorable! They’re trying to raise money for a school by selling fruit. These people are so precious.” Which I wasn’t I was sitting in the van thinking ‘How adorable! He just stopped the van to talk to someone instead of taking us where we want to go. How funny. These people are just precious.” Its easy to fall into the arrogant tourist trap. Especially when you’re going to a beautiful resort to lie around on a beach, on a Tuesday.

Wendsday Bridgetown Barbados. Barbados for the most part reminds me a lot of Cazumel. Its not as gross but it does seem to have completely surrendered itself to the tourist market. Although I’m sure if I went in with Felipe he would take me to some museum and I’d feel like a dick. Went to the boat yard again. Which is just a nice beach and a crazy bar that the crew tends to go to. Didn’t bring my camera though.

I just took a break from writing and ran into Felipe and he mentioned that they have a national park in Barbados he’s thinking of checking out. Ahhhh Felipe stop putting the mirror up to this ugly American.

Thursday St. Lucia. I’m not a fan. Maybe I’m just not giving it a chance. Its just that whenever I get off the boat at this place the merchants are extremely aggressive about selling trinkets and island tours. Its like Roatan in that way, and I always end up hating myself a little because I become the guy who doesn’t even make eye contact with the people and pretending they just don’t exist.

We then finish things off with two days at sea. By the second sea day I have now spent three days straight on the boat. I tend to have little anxiety attacks by the third day. At which point a long walk around the ship tends to settle them down. I worry about the six days at sea we will spend to get to Europe. Since I will also be making yet another attempt to quit smoking. I see a lot of laps around the boat in my future

Sullivan Interview Part Two

We continue with the lost sullivan interview. Last time we checked in Natalie had just learned there was more to going to Roatan than she thought. Part of this explosive interview now.


P: Wow what a mess.

N: I thought he was you. The heavy footsteps, the labored breathing.

P: I know I have to quit smoking.

N: Do you think it hurt him?

P: You smashed his face in with a fire extinguisher. My guess is…yes.

N: Is it really him?

P: Yes, Natalie. You just killed Ernest Borgnine. I don’t know which is worse that you killed a beloved screen icon or that he makes you think of me.

N: I didn’t even know Ernest Borgnine was on the boat.

P: He was here to visit our beloved cruise director Darin. They actually were close friends.

N: What was he doing down here?

P: He’s like a hundred years old, he probably got lost. The better question is why you haven’t smashed my face in with that fire extinguisher.

N: I don’t…I don’t know…maybe because I think you have a gun and you’re not afraid to use it on me.

P: Well I do have gun, but I don’t want to use it on you. In fact I can’t use it on you because I haven’t been given that order.

N: Why did you kill those men?

P: It was my mission. I’m on this cruise to help destabilize certain central American governments. Those men were radicals who were trying to persuade their people into a new way of looking at foreign relations.

N: So you became an improviser as a cover for being a government asassain?

P: Sort of. Many improvisers have a certain moral flexibility that suits us very well to this line of work. Improvisers are recruited into these types of things.

N: I don’t understand…

P: I promise I’ll explain but first we have to clean up your mess. (Fluet pulls out a walkie talkie) I have a clean up deck three. I know you’re busy but this is a priority! It’s definitely a two man job. Tell him Natalie is down here. (He turns off the walkie talkie) Sit tight this will be all taken care of in a minute Sullivan. Are you still writing? That’s turning into quite an obsession.

N: I can’t stop.

P: Don’t worry I understand. We all deal with this differently. You should see the stuff I draw after I complete a mission. This one time I decapitate a guy with some hedge clippers and that night I drew a goat riding a squirrel. I called the picture emperor goat. Weird huh?

DARIN EARL: Ernest? You down here? Ernest?

Oh my god! What have I just done? I just smashed our cruise director’s face in with a fire extinguisher. I just keep bashing and bashing.

P: Well he’s not going to need anymore juice. How many people are you going to kill tonight Sullivan?

N: I’m going crazy.

P: No, you’re just in a very emotionally excited place right now.

BOGART: Hey Mr. Peter. Oh wow, this is a real mess.

ARNOLD: Heeeeeeey Natalie. You do this?

I’m watching in horror as Bogart and Arnold my room stewards start shoving Ernest Borgnine and Darin Earl into plastic bags. Standing behind them our two philipino servers.

P: You know what Darin used to say about what George Burns used to say “You’re only as old as the women you’re feeling.”
BOGART: That is a terrible joke.

P: I know I’m glad he won’t be saying it anymore.

ARNOLD: Heeeeeeeeeey Natalie. I once killed a guy too, maybe we should hang out.

BOGART: Arnold focus on you’re work!

Bogart just slapped Arnold. Arnold pulls out a knife. Fluet pulls a gun on both of them.

P: Everybody settle down. Finish you’re work. You two servers can you replicate them?

I must be crazy or a dream or maybe its both. Maybe I’m asleep in an insane asylum somewhere because there is no way I’m seeing what I think I’m seeing. The philipino servers give a curt nod to Fluet. Then they’re bodies stretch and almost melt like candle wax. Their bodies seize violently as they shift, transform, become Darin Earl and Ernest Borgnine.

P: Natalie stop violently puking. I know its gross. OK I’m going to lay all my cards on the table. Philipinos have evolved to the point that they can not only mimic the song stylings of American pop stars but can actually mimic people. The men I killed in Roatan have been replaced by most of the servers at Blue Lagoon. The people I work for have a deal with the Philipino mafia to help us in our goals of world transformation.

N: I can’t handle this. I can’t handle this.

P: Sullivan just listen to me. Do you want a smoke?

N: I don’t smoke.

P: Sometimes you smoke.

N: Yeah. Sometimes.

P: It’ll help. Here have one. Don’t worry I’ve got a lighter. Better?

N: No. Tell me everything.

P: For awhile my bosses have been cherry picking improvisers to act as a black ops corps. They use a variety of techniques to create two separate entities in one body. One of these entities is an improviser trying to find work as actor, the other is a hardened killer willing to die to complete its mission. The improviser has no knowledge of the killer.

N: How do they do this?

P: Oh the techniques? Drugs, hypnosis, chips implanted in the brain, a lot of zip zap zop and up you’re butt.

N: So which is the real you?

P: Both. I am both the Peter Fluet who spends an inordinate time with comic books, who is happily married, and I am also the Peter Fluet who snapped the neck of Guatemalan president and had him replaced by one of the members of Next Stage. You see to keep the personality split working correctly one needs to be in an almost constant state of improv to keep up the more pedestrian aspect of our lives.

N: This makes no sense.

P: You should really be watching Lost.

N: Lost explains this?!

P: No, but you should be watching it. Eight years ago I started doing improv and was contacted by a government agency. I believed in their goals and went through their training center to become this. The program that created me and the others like me was called Gonzalez Arrives. I was a founding member.

N: But James…James was a member of Gonzalez arrives.

My head is reeling. I’m watching the Philipino Ernest Borgnine and Darin Earl walk away as Bogart and Arnold are shoving two corpses out of a porthole.

P: James still is a member of Gonzalez arrives. He’s young but he’s been doing good work on this cruise. Although I need to speak to his trainers they really went into overkill in convincing him he’s from Pittsburg.

N: James isn’t from Pittsburg?

P: No one is that proud of Pittsburg.

N: Then where is he from?

P: Toronto I think, maybe Ontario.

N: He’s not even American?

P: No. Wait did you think we were working for the Americans? Oh Natalie. We work for the Canadians. I’ve told you from the start I was French Canadian. We are part of the first strike of the Canadian plan for world domination. Most of my time in Los Angeles was spent getting Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced by a Philipino and also selling sub-prime loans.

N: So Second City is just a front for Canadian black ops?

P: No. They have no idea what we’re doing. Its just convenient with all their touring companies it keeps our travel expenses low for our work. I mean come on we’re Canada we’re not rolling in money. But that is changing. Thanks to our work the Candian dollar is finally stronger than the American dollar. Wow. You can write fast Sullivan. You’re going to need another notebook soon.

N: Who else?

P: Who else?

N: Is it just you and James?

P: Well come on there is one of us who admits their a Canadian.

N: I don’t believe Tabetha is a part of this.

P: She’s the company manager who do you think I get my orders from? Beth Kligerman? Kelly Leonard? Don’t make me laugh. Tabetha is here to make sure we get our jobs done, and we get them done quickly and cleanly.

TABETHA: And this has just turned into a fucking mess Pierre.

More to come on tuesday in cazumel

I'm just glad I got a few more photos in. More on tuesday. Plus part 2 of the Sullivan interview

I ran into one of my new friends on the ship Felipe. He works in reception, he’s from Chile, he has two kids both “masculine” (as he puts it) and has such an easy going attitude it makes me think that I’m a real uptight and depressive fuck. I asked him where he was headed and he told me Tortola’s botanical gardens. He asked me where I was headed and I decided then and there I was going to the Botanical gardens. The gardens were lovely but small. I tried to get pictures of these huge lizards that were blue and black but they moved to fast. I did get a shot of some turtles. I asked Felipe why he was coming here since it seemed an interesting choice. He told me he was a grower of things. He wanted t o get some ideas on how to cultivate plants.

Felipe and I parted ways. I was headed back to the ship to do some writing and to get something to eat. He was going to do more exploring. He lightly chastised my choice though. His feeling was that if we have so much time being that the only work we do on the ship is our shows. Every day we should be filling our days with exploration of the islands and not getting back to the boat until the last possible second. That to have that much time and not fill it with drinking smoking, lying on a beach, or at the very least really seeing the places we were visiting, was just a complete waste. I had to agree with him. Even though it feels like I keep seeing the same places maybe I should spend more time seeing them. I asked what types of things he grew, I won’t say what his answer was but it really made me understand where he was coming from

Internet is acting like a jerk

So I have all these pictures to post and for some reason I can't get them to upload anywhere. Going to try one more place, if not successful. I'll upload in cazumel.

Nine day

So another nine-day cruise completed, meaning in just under three weeks we can leave the Caribbean behind and get to Europe. It can’t come soon enough. I love the Caribbean, but I really need to see something new. Even tropical paradises can get old after awhile. Busy week though. To start with I was informed of some errors I made in my previous posting. These errors are inexcusable and I’m glad my cast mates made it a point to make me feel a little stupid (as it is the only way I’ll learn). The schedule of the nine-day cruise is as follows Sundays are Samana. That is where the dogs on roofs and whale museum were; also I misspelled it in the previous blog. (Thank you Erica) I didn’t get off in Samana this week. It’s a nice enough port but we dock on a Sunday and most things are closed. There are some fun excursions from what I’ve heard but I need to save money for Europe.

Now Mondays are Tortola, which is always kind of fun. This is the island of narrow avenues and a great bookstore with an Internet café above it. The Internet wasn’t working this week so I just decided to wander with no agenda. I started taking pictures of interesting signage. My favorite being vote God into your heart. I don’t know why this had an affect on me. Something of the simplicity and silliness of the sign. That God and that faith in general are politicking to get into your heart and mind. Although the more I thought about it the word vote hit me. A vote is a conscious choice you have to step forward to make, it’s an action and not a passive acceptance of something. The sign might be a little silly but I think it carries more strength than this fast food church I saw. The other thing I loved was seeing a dianetics book listed under Satanism in a bookstore.

Sullivan Interview Part one

So as promised I’m going to reveal the hidden Natalie Sullivan interview on our time on the spirit. Natalie is a great cast mate and better friend. Thanks again for letting Jamie and me spend the night at your place. Since the room I was in, in the second city apartment was deemed:” Too hot to f***”. Although the phrase “too hot to f***” became the first bit of my new cast. Once again my bit creation rate remains high. If you get the chance please check out Natalie’s blog. Natalieyachtrocks.blogspot.com. It is far superior to my blog in most ways. (Note: Mom, Dad you probably should just skip over this posting. It’s going to be another one of those.)

While I love profiles where I just give my thoughts on people, Natalie loves interviews where she lets people give their thoughts on themselves. She interviewed all the ladies in our cast including James, but due to time constraints and a Lost marathon it was believed she never got around to interviewing myself and Shawn aka Ma-sheen. The truth is that she did in fact do those interviews. She just never posted them. Why, would she do that? Because the content of said interviews was controversial at best and life shattering for some individuals at worst. The interviews were so shocking that I had put a mental block on them. I did not recover these memories until I had read a book about a dentist who was working with the police to catch a serial killer and it turns out she had repressed memories and then through the course of the book she regained here memories. The book made me think what if I had repressed memories.

So instead of overreacting I used the ship phone (which costs $8 a minute) and called James’ Dad who had hypnotized me once before to help me quit smoking. I waited on hold for 45 minutes and then asked him to hypnotize me over the phone to see if I had any repressed memories. He was dubious at first, due to the fact something like that would take 4 and half hours of hypnosis. I explained how important it was, and finally he agreed. I got myself comfortable on the reception desk, and let myself be guided into a deep hypnotic trance. Seven hours later a memory was recovered, a memory of an interview on the Spirit with one Natalie Sullivan. James’ Dad and I discussed this for another three hours. I wondered why Natalie had never mentioned the interview; James’ Dad suggested maybe she had blocked it from her memory too. I asked if I could find and post the interview if it would be therapeutic for everyone involved. James’ Dad felt that it could very well be very damaging and I should leave it alone. I argued that if it was an interview about me, then the damage done to others was insignificant compared to my need to keep putting stuff in my blog. He then asked how many people actually read my blog, I informed him about four. He then asked me if my narcissism was worth permanently damaging four people. I was glad he finally saw things clearly and I promptly hung up with him, and worked out a plan on how to get that interview.

If Natalie didn’t remember the interview she might still have the notebook she used in her apartment. Remembering how Natalie accumulated stuff throughout our first cruise she might not have even finished unpacking. I remembered the notebook well. It was pink with a duck and a rabbit serving each other tea. Underneath the picture it read, “Friendship is always having enough lumps of sugar, because friendship is so sweet.” I think Katy had given her the notebook. (Gross. The notebook…not Katy) I then called one of my few friends left in Chicago; I won’t use his real name here so I’ll just call him Ttam Nolnacs. I asked him if he would be wiling to break into her apartment and steal the notebook. He told me, he had hockey practice and wouldn’t be able to do it. I was at a loss. If I couldn’t find someone who would commit a felony out of blind friendship how was I going to get that interview? I racked my brain thinking of other people I might know who would help me that lived in Chicago. I called my older brother and asked him but he informed me that he was suiting up to go to an event where people pretend that they are their dungeons and dragon’s characters for real and then beat the hell out of each other with nerf bats. I thanked him anyway, and he proceeded to keep talking about the event. I tried to thank him again, but he kept talking. He mentioned how one guy at this event had worn corduroy pants. “Can you imagine!?” He cackled with delight “A tree elf chieftain wearing corduroy? We could hear his pants swishing from a mile away!” I pretended there was static on the line and hung up. Then like a lightning bolt a thought hit me. Corduroy pants! There was someone I knew in Chicago who would be willing to break into an apartment to find out more about Natalie Sullivan! So I called this assistant presidential type person to help me. It took awhile to get him to remember who I was, so I asked him to put me on hold while he called Los Angeles and asked about my rep (I also instructed him not to call James about it, because he wouldn’t give an honest answer) an hour later he did remember me and asked what I was doing. I told him he had hired me to do another ship, and that I needed his help. I explained what I wanted him to do. I could hear his corduroy swishing as paced his office mulling my offer over.

“All right, I’ll do it, but any poon-ties I find I keep. Deal?” he asked curtly. “I guess?” I was unsure how to respond not knowing what poon-ties were. “Look if you want this done, I keep the poon-ties! I don’t want to hear you bitching that I didn’t send poon-ties along with this fucking notebook that is so important to you.” “What are poon-ties?” I asked as innocently as I could. I didn’t want to piss him off because I was hoping maybe he would have more work for me in the future. Although the fact he said poon-ties in a Transylvanian accent unnerved me. “Yeah, like you don’t know what poon-ties are?” He scoffed. ‘No.” Was all I could think to say. “Poon-ties, poon-ties, you know squirrel covers, pussy turbans, panties!” He screamed. “I keep whatever of her panties I find. Got it?” Came the snarl at the other end of this very expensive call. “Oh right, yeah sure, go crazy take what you want. I only want the notebook. Uhmm. Why do you call them poon-ties?” I asked. “ Why do you call them over-vaginalls?” He quickly retorted. “I don’t.” I said. “Well you should it would be fucking funny if you did. I’ll need another man on this. Which means less poon-ties for you.” He barked. “I just want the notebook, I’m not interested in her over-vaginalls.” I giggled in spite of myself. “See it’s funny.” He said. “Me and my partner will split the poon-ties down the middle, you keep the notebook.” “Fine.” I said. “Who are you going to use on the job?” “No real names.” he said, “Lets just call him Cricket.” “OK.” I responded. “Call him whatever you want just get me the notebook.” I was losing patience. “Fine. Fine.” he said. “I bet she has a mountain of poon-” I hung up before he could finish.

This all took place my first week on the jewel, now almost three weeks later I’ve received a call from the personnel office. They have informed me that 1.the notebook has arrived 2. They’ve heard about me from the spirit and security is keeping an eye on me 3. There is a hair clog in the water slide and I am a primary suspect. I’ve run down and gotten the notebook, left a threatening note with accounting to shut their fucking mouths, and taken a spin down the water slide. I am now ready to present to you the Lost Natalie Sullivan Interview…..

Jan 15h, 2008 11:28 pm Majarini’s

Spotlight on Peter Fluet! (pronounced flu-way) Peter “chi chi” Fluet is our other cast member from the City of Angels. Peter is the second of the three men (I use the term loosely) in my cast whom I will be interviewing. Peter is the only married person in the cast and his wife Jamie will be coming soon. Peter loves comic books, Lost, drawing cartoons, Teramasu and his wife. He picks me up in Bagpipe and has quite the rep in Los Angeles. Does he have thoughts in his head lets find out!!

Natalie: So Peter I notice that you’re drinking a diet coke. What a surprise.

Peter: Yeah, I probably drink too much of this stuff. I find that it helps fill my gas tank with be…

N: Beans. Yeah. We know you’re full of beans. You helped create Gonzales Arrives, you have a wife and you like comic books. You’re fucking awesome.

P: Uhhh yeah. Did we want to talk about any of that stuff?

N: No. Well thanks for taking the time to talk to me. Next week Shawn! Go smoke another cigarette Fluet.

P: So that’s it?

N: That’s it.

P: I’m getting the sense you didn’t really want to do this.

N: No this was super fun. Oh look it’s my real friend Jenna. Hey Jenna.

P: She can’t hear you. She’s going down on a gallon bottle of Barcardi. Does the shortness of this interview have anything to do with Roatan? You’ve been acting funny ever since we left.

N: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

P: Natalie stop writing this all down.

N: No. I need to write it down. I need it on a paper. That way its real.

P: Stop writing!

N: No I have to keep writing. Something happened in Roatan I have to expose the truth. Oh my god, I remember now….I remember….

P: So you do remember Roatan. Unfortunate.

Where am I? We were in Majarini’s. Oh God, we’re in a crew stairwell. No cameras. I should stop writing and come up with a plan.

P: I’m sorry about knocking you out with the nerve pinch. You should really stop writing. I can talk you through this.

N: TALK ME THROUGH THIS? I SAW YOU KILL THOSE PEOPLE!

P: Would it help if I told you those twenty-three men in Roatan weren’t good people.

N: No. Murder is murder. You’re a murderer.

P: I’m a patriot.

N: Go to hell.

I kick him in the balls. He wasn’t expecting it. I’m free. Fuck. I’m lost. Why weren’t we put on the crew manifest? I have no idea where I am on the ship. Just stop here. Hide behind this pallet of Colombian Emeralds. In case I don’t make it out of here I should tell my story. The last time we were in Roatan I witnessed my cast mate Peter Fluet gun down twenty-three men at an internet café just off the port. I didn’t even know he was off the ship. He claimed he was having accounting problems again. I had gone into port hoping to find a hammock at a bargain price but the incessant heat and the kids pestering me for dollars made me cut my trip short. I had just taken a picture of a goat with a squirrel on its back. I had just come up with a great one liner to go along with the picture and decided to post it on my blog. The internet café was just a room on the second floor of a realty building. Usually tourists flock there because there is a bar adjacent to the internet café. I didn’t even notice that the place was barren. I think there were some kids telling me not to go up there. I thought they were just asking for more money. Now I know they were lookouts for Fluet.

Fluet where is he? Do I smell the reek of cigarettes? He might be close. Just finish this and hide the notebook. So I walked up to the door of the café and I heard Fluet on the other side of the door. I burst in to greet my friend and show him my emperor squirrel picture. What I found was twenty three men between the ages of 20 and 60 bound and gagged on the floor of the internet café. Fluet’s lumbering pacing was the only sound in the room. He turned and saw me, his eyes rolled and he pointed a gun at me. “Close the door.” He said. I couldn’t speak. I just closed the door. Trying to make sense of it. There was someone else standing in the corner, but I can’t remember his face. Fluet almost seemed to defer to him for advice on what to do next. I can still hear the booms of the gunshots. He shot those men as calmly as he was throwing darts into a board. He had to reload three or four times to get the job done. When he was finished he turned and smiled a sad smile.” What do you expect Natalie? I’m full of beans. You should know what that’s like.” Then the figure in the corner came forward and I don’t remember anything else. In fact I didn’t start remembering again until this morning. We were doing some bit me and James, and then suddenly the memories started flooding back. I think James started crying I’m not sure. I immediately had to run to my room to vomit. Then Fluet came and insisted on the interview. Why didn’t I run and tell someone? I think because I didn’t want to believe it, that maybe it was dream. It’s not a dream. I’m trapped on a boat with a psychopath. Oh God, he’s coming. Mom, Dad I love you.