The Travels and Times of an Ugly American: January 2008

We continue meeting the dancers and the singers of the NCl Production company.

APRIL!
Position: Dancer
Origin: I don’t know where she came from. I believe she was spun like silk from the dreams of children.
Nickname: Razzle Dazzle
Nickname he doesn’t know she has: Bride of FUNK-enstien
Nickname he wishes he had: April Act 2 or Johnny 5
Memorable quotes: How you doin’? Pete, you cool. Our facebok relationship complicated. Hanging out with you is like being in a cartoon. Peter don’t ask me if something is racist, its not cool.
Turn ons: Minnie Mouse, economy in movement, leaning against poles acting cool, when the question of how you’re living is asked, the answer given is large, Whoppi Goldberg sequels. Pretending peter is stalking her,
Turn offs: Late night rehearsals, movies where nuns aren’t singing, anyone who wants to use Johnny 5 for evil, mean people. Realizing that Peter may not be pretending about the stalking thing.
Most memorable moment: I believe the island was Barbados and April had consumed spirits and I was told ten times “Peter you cool, you cool.”, the first time she watched me dance and instead of breaking my legs to spare the world she just said “Peter you’re really working it out.” Her version of a spit take which looked like she had been electrocuted at the same time she was drinking water. The time we blew up the Terminator factory fifteen years from now. Oh yeah, did I mention a version of April came back from the future with news that machines are going to take over everything?
Best quality: Her smile, her laugh, and her good heart.
Worst quality: In the year 2023 when Robo-Nick has taken over everything she wants my help destroy him but agrees with him when he says I shouldn’t sing. Come on girl!

KATRINA!
Position: Dancer
Origin: Some say Canada, Some say somewhere on the East coast, I believe when a sonic boom and an atomic bomb have a baby they create a Katrina
Nickname: Guns and Poses
Nickname she doesn’t know she has: Buttons
Nickname she wishes she has: Faster, Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill! Kill!
Memorable quotes: Okay this is really easy it’s a ballchain, grapevine to the right with a douple stomp and a handspring, followed by a knife fight okay that’s part one of this line dance. Where’s my fedora? Hold my beer I have to go sing sweet child of mine. In my last cast I was the quiet one. LOUD SCREAM.
Turn ons: Singing, shirts without buttons, ties, fedoras, guitar hero, ship life, pointing at people with two fingers and then moving the fingers back and forth. The costume she wears in Wicked (wait no, that’s what turns on the men in my cast)
Turn offs: shirts with buttons, hats that aren’t fedoras, false guitar heroes who claim they need more juice but maybe need more practice, the short lived Chain Gang night at Majareni’s , handcuffs and prison garb only box Katrina in and you can’t box a hurricane. Seriously you can’t. It’s a force of nature I don’t give a fuck how good you’re right hook is, you’re going to lose.
Memorable moments: The first time I hung out in the crew area I went to the bathroom and came out and security was there, because of course security knows Katrina, the next time I hung out in the crew area and security showed up, the time we showed up to security’s room just to see how they liked it. They didn’t. we both got written up.
Best quality: Her energy, she hates buttoning her blouse
Worst quality: After reading this she’ll probably start buttoning up her blouse, she’s a security magnet.

BOBBY!
Position: Dancer
Origin: Never never land, first start to the right and straight on till morning!
Nickname: Bobby Pan
Nickname he doesn’t know about: Betty White (of golden girl fame)
Nickname he wishes he has: COCKHAMMER 3000
Memorable quotes: Really? God, I hate pictionary that sketch is so long, draw me a picture peter, in case of an emergency who are you going to call? Ghostbusters? No a fireman. So security showed up and I was hiding under a chair.
Turn ons: The golden girls, creating a church with the other dancers in Mama Mia, the power he has over the ship n’ males dancers
Turn offs: Raffles, GI, bike messengers who can’t get their pants off and then slow down the entire pacing of a show. Seriously, yeah its called ship n’ males and its supposed to be fun, but what James did made it seems like it was all a big joke. In the future only lightly apply the Velcro strips to one another, james! Pictionary, When ducks follow him thinking by his walk he is their king.
Memorable moments: Seeing his cherubic face peer out of a room as security asked what James, Shawn and I were doing down in a crew area, seeing his cherubic face peer out of the hall leaving the theatre while we’re doing pictionary and seeing him mouth the word “gross”, when he asked me to dress as Santa Clause and show up to his room to give him presents, when he confided he like Golden girls, the time he said “really?” to James, and the time we burned down that house for the insurance money but then spent all the money on wax figurines of the golden girls, and then another fire started and they melted and bobby cried. It’s memorable because I started the second fire. I’m admitting it here I was smoking in bed.
Best quality: his youthful enthusiasm, the way he welcomed our cast, and the fact he likes Golden girls
Worst quality: He’ll probably give me notes on how I could have made his profile better, he loves Golden girls but has no idea who Maude is.

TOPHER!
Position: Dancer
Origin: He’s a classy guy, part of what makes him classy is his aura of mystery
Nickname: Charlie Brown
Nickname he doesn’t know about: To-pollo Creed
Nickname he wishes he has: The Crimson Sophisticate
Memorable quotes: Saw the quest…very witty, I know you, yeah, I know you, Code Bravo?
TOPHER: Katrina what happened?
KATRINA: Someone tired to steal guitar hero, they knocked out Joe and they tied me to my bunk bed. I thought we were dead for sure, or at least we’d never see guitar hero again. Oh I was so scared.
TOPHER: Were the robbers successful? (topher says coolly as he sips a martini)
KATRINA: No. Like a bolt of lightning a cultured gentleman in a well tailored suit came in and stopped them. He wore a red mask and had the strength of ten men, and he knew a lot about wines! He made short work of them.
TOPHER: What happened to the masked man?
KATRINA: He disappeared right before security showed up. Although he found time to give Joe a tip on where to find great vests.
TOPHER: Sounds exciting.
KATRINA: It was. Secuirty says this guy has been around for awhile they call him the crimson sophisticate.
TOPHER: The crimson sophisticate, huh? (topher says with a sly smile and a wink to a camera that isn’t there)
KATRINA: Yeah. Hey where were you this evening, Topher?
TOPHER: Oh I was asleep in my room. (He chuckles and flashes a smile a wink, and a nod to a camera to the right of him that isn’t there)
KATRINA: You miss everything Topher.
TOPHER: I guess I’ll never be as exciting as this crimson sophisticate fellow. ( He pats Katrina on the shoulder and walks down the dancers hallway as he humms the crimson sophisticate theme song to himself. A theme song that sounds a lot like the Golden Girls theme. Damn you bobby!
(note: This quote did not happen, there is no Crimson Sophisticate, just like there is no one in the process of auditioning to be a sidekick to the Crimson Sophisticate named Peter. Just like there isn’t a sidekick (hope! Hope!) named the Orange Slob.
Turn ons: working out, working out, nice clothes, good friends, a well placed quip, and Richard the albino. (Gross, an albino sidekick. His audition wasn’t nearly as good as mine)
Turn offs: Apparently the Orange Slob. Saying goodbye to people in Majarini’s.
Memorable moments: The time I said “how about this bier fest” and the look he gave me of slight disgust, mingled with a furious need to bring Justice to those who need it most. The time after Shawn came home drunk and started beating me with the hair dryer and topher showed minutes after the crimson sophisticate had stopped Shawn with a well placed swing dance move. Actually a lot of the time things with me and Topher are pretty chill we have a smoke, a laugh, and keep things light. Like a couple of real sophisticates.
Best quality: His workout ethic, and he always carries himself like a classy gentleman
Worst quality: He is to sidekicks what Nick is to singers.