OK this might look bad....

My friend james decided to do a male strip show he asked me to document this. thats him on the floor getting his "pump" on. So ladies enjoy, closeted guys enjoys, out guys enjoys, straight guys this does not prove definitively that I am gay. It just adds mor fuel to the fire.

Nothin but pics of christmas parties

Crazy blog week. Lots of stories profiles and pictures and mid week there will be more to come. So everybody have a happy new year. Oh and this picture set is for the ladies........and I guess the guys too. These pictures are a mess , a real clusterfuck, Natalie help me get my blog in order! Oh and nataie is very paranoid that I'm turning the production company against her. I can't blame her I do write about them more. James checks for Tabitha's heartbeat and realizes its in Canada with her fiance.

Merry Christmas from second city spirit

My cast before the cristmas show and my transofrmation into pete-tah clause. Then just a nice moon picture.

NCL PRODUCTION CAST PROFILES

Part 1 of the profiles

I GIVE YOU THE NCL PRODUCTION CAST

If my Second City cast would be considered my immediate family on the boat, then the dancers and the singers would be considered my extended family. The cousins if you will.

It took a little while for the two casts to warm up to each other at first. According to the dancers and singers they attempted to make friends with us on the first week of our stay on the Spirit. The myth of this attempt goes as such: They had just finished a rehearsal and we were beginning ours. They tried to say hello and we just kept our backs turned to them. As with all myths I’m sure there is some truth somewhere in there. I do believe they made an attempt but I challenge that it was a weak attempt. In my mind I see them furiously waving at us, but whispering “hi.”

Now as far as us trying to make friends with NCL Production Company at first there is no myth behind it. We just didn’t make an attempt. At first they seemed very distant and none of us seemed to have the confidence necessary to go up and say hi. Slowly though over time, we started making inroads with them and they with us. By the time our first month was over we had all started to get to know each other. That’s when things got interesting. I can honestly say I’ve never met people quite like the NCL Production Company. Like my Second City Cast their age range is across the map. Their youngest is 18 their oldest almost 40. They are all unabashedly sweet and kind to us, as I assume we are to them. (I only assume because I never know when I might piss someone off with an ill placed bit) They are all very good people whom I’m glad I know.

It seems good comedians and improvisers are born from childhoods where pain, fear, hard life trials, ostrichazation, and humiliations are the norm. Not to say God hasn’t blessed us all with a gift to do what we do. The problem the gift only activates or manifests itself when it is first used in self-defense. It is an armor that we learn to wear, so the slings and arrows that are hurled at us because of our obesity, our shyness, or the time we pissed ourselves after passing out in the seventh grade, don’t hurt as bad. Only with training do we learn to make it an offensive weapon that stuns those who would hurt us and takes their taunts and transforms them into applause. Not to say there aren’t really funny people who were the cool kid in school, and had great parents, and no problems with the opposite sex. It’s just that those comedians are Dane Cook. He’s funny right? He had a show on HBO.

Where singers and dancers come from I have no fricking clue. I was not blessed with a voice that could pull emotions out of other people. Nor has my body been ever blessed with the same amount of confidence and killer instinct that my wits carry with them. Obviously in the respect of God touching people and delivering talent upon them I guess we are similar. An ability to dance and sing is there from the moment we are. Yet is there an activator? If there were, I would love to know what it is. It just seems downright inconceivable to me that you could take an ass beating in a super market by you’re mother and then run up to your room and sing Billy Joel or do a pirouette. Whereas I can see a person crying so hard in their room, they fart, and that makes them laugh, and then they spend an hour and half trying to recreate that sound either in their armpit or into their hands. Of course I could be totally wrong maybe if I ask the dancers and singers they will tell me a story of how they were falsely invited to a party only to get their ass kicked and then they dealt with it by doing a rendition of Oklahoma! To make myself more clear I’m saying in my comedy career have I met many people where their parents said “Hey you’re funny. Lets send you to classes to make you funnier.” I guess it does happen, I’m just willing to bet it happens seldom.

Whereas with singers and dancers the parents HAVE to see something in their kids. It’s the only way these kids are going to end up in dance class or voice lessons or piano lessons at five years old. Maybe this is just sour grapes because my parents didn’t see these things in me. Or maybe it’s sour grapes because my parents didn’t see it because it was never there. So what is the arc of a singer or a dancer, I’m not sure. By arc I mean how do they traverse through their life in a way that grows their art form. I assume it has to be through musical theatre. My problem with musical theatre is that I was only given speaking parts in every musical I was ever in. So even though I have been in musicals its kind of like if you were going to a zoo. You see a three-fingered sloth and then you see a gazelle, a tiger, or a some bird that sings good…like a vulture. Yeah, there all in the same place but hell they’re all different frigging animals. And some of those animals have unbelievable abs and some of them are three fingered-sloths who are good at one liners.

My point is musical theatre people are fucking crazy. Not in a bad way, like they’re going to keep you in a cooler in their basement but theatre crazy. Which means big personalities. You know fun crazy. Where at any moment they could be bitching about the boat and then do a back flip, grab a super soaker water gun burst into a cast mates room and just start spraying. Not that I know for a fact the dancers and singers do this but I like to imagine they do when I know I have about twenty minutes alone in my room.

Oh and did I mention the energy these guys have? Wow, when these guys are “on” they’re really on. They dance hard, they sing hard and then still have the energy to party like 1973 Led Zepplin albeit with guitar hero and fedoras. Their personalities always seem on the verge of exploding out of their bodies. Their energy is so potent it makes me a little drunk at times. But on the plus side they have made me an alcoholic because when these people laugh they really laugh. They laugh loud and with their whole bodies they are all a comedians wet dream. So now that I’ve waxed poetic long enough on our differences (which are minor) and our similarities (we’re all in the zoo, we loved to be looked at) Lets meet my lovable cousins.


ROLL CALL!!!!

Ruebean (I will never spell his name right. I refuse to now)
Position: Dance captain and I think he’s in charge of the whole company. I know he seems to do a lot of work all the time from making Nick make posters to making me play water volleyball.
Stage position: Dancer
Origin: Some latin place (I’ll say Puerto Rico) and then moved to Jersey.
Nickname: IQ
Nickname he doesn’t know he has: Jurgens body wash
Nickname he wishes he had: Smallville “Superman” Awesomewitz
Memorable quotes: Listen, you need to find some clean underwears if you’re going to be in Shipinmales. Bree you just grabbed that off my plate. You guys if someone wants to tango with you just leave the crew area.
Turn ons: His wife Bree, when a Christmas show comes together, Smallville
Turn offs: Laziness, people who hurt their ankles doing the running man (NO SYMPATHY), saying the word underwear in its singular form
Most memorable moments: This guy bit me. Seriously he bit me after Chantz’s show. Bree talk to him./ He painted himself blue/ He got us in the crew bar/ I spent six hours drawing a picture and all he says is I spelled his name wrong.
Best quality: His humongous heart and his desire for us all to achieve perfection.
Worst quality: He likes Superman better than Spiderman…..and he bit me.



Bree!
Position: Co-captain with Ruebean not sure if its official but she does tell people to get off her nuts a lot. So I assume she’s the boss of something. Being spooned by Ruebean.
Stage Position: Dancer
Origin: Pennsylvania. A farm community I think. Maybe Amish? Although with legs like that I assume the Amish kicked her out. Hard to raise a barn when there’s a barn already raised in your pants. Am I right? What? Gross, Peter. Not cool. Sorry. She’s from Pennsylvania.
Nickname: Skittles
Nickname she doesn’t know she has: Skattles
Nickname she wishes she had: Mrs. Fluet (sorry lady that job is taken!)
Memorable quotes: Ruebean it’s underwear! Get off my nut! Its okay if I steal you’re food we’re engaged. Mac and cheese, please! Take off that sombrero Katrina its bier festival you’re supposed to be jumping through flaming hoops.
Turn ons: Rubean, the rhythm that is gonna get you but got her a long time ago, blue lagoon at two am, mystery novels.
Turn offs: People who bring glass onto the dance floor of Majareni’s, trying to get Rubean to listen to her clues in Taboo “Don’t just guess anything Ruebean! Listen to what I’m fucking saying!” People who stand on her nuts.
Most memorable moments: When Ruebean bit me she just kind of rolled her eyes and said “don’t worry he doesn’t have anything” Her trying to teach me steps for swing night she looked at me with the same sympathy that one would give a retard as they tried to teach him to roller skate. The time she farted she doesn’t know I heard it but I did. We all do it , don’t worry about it.
Best quality: She really makes us all feel included, she works hard to keep all the myriad specialty nights going, she puts up with Ruebean.
Worst quality: She doesn’t get what the big deal is with Superman or Spiderman.

NICK!
Position: I think he’s in charge of the singers. He sure likes to tell people who can and can’t sing. Making posters. Computer expert. Photographer
Stage Position: Singer
Origin: He’s from California in the valley. His uncle was killed by a robber. A robber he could’ve stopped but instead he used his spider powers to win a wrestling match. Now he uses them for good. Wait am I still talking about Nick? Yeah, I think I am.
Nickname: Spider-nick
Nickname he doesn’t know he has: Platforms McBellbottoms
Nickname he wishes he had: KAHN!!!!!! Or Bellbottoms McPlatform
Memorable quotes:, em whaaaaaat? I just gotta finish a poster than I can teach you how to move photos around, buy a mac, I was a mac genius, I have a mac, did I mention I was a mac genius, Natalie you should have a mac. (For all other quotes just watch an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
Turn ons: Billy Joel, Photography, macs, funny people, unicorns!
Turn offs: People who don’t know the words to Allentown, PC’s, the fact I keep bringing up that he once said if they can’t sing, they WON’T sing, Waving a flag in a tight shirt while somebody shreds and calls for more juice.
Most memorable moment: When I drew him with a t-shirt saying buy a mac and ten he actually walked up to me wearing a mac shirt, the moment in the crew bar where I realized this guy thinks more about stuff than I do, the first time I saw him in his Abba costume, he was there for my LA rep tirade, when he choked that kid because he got his order wrong in Guatemala and then spit at a donkey.
Best quality: Affable, polite, good listener, and a lot of fun to hang with.
Worst quality: He likes to put people into colums those who can sing and those he won’t let sing.

KWAMI!
Position: I’m realizing that it was redundant to have the two position slots. So I’m phasing it out. Kwami is a singer.
Origin: New York born and raised. Yeah, street cred he gots it, and I get some from hanging out with him. So Reverand Run you ready to start Run DM PETE or what?
Nickname: Baby Kwami, Swami Kwami, Corporate raider Kwami, Kwami cut it out you’re getting on my nerves with that character!
Nickname he doesn’t know he has: Patient 238 has multiple personality disorder
Nickname he wishes he has: Kwami Christos Superstar!
Memorable quotes: I’m a baby I’ve wet myself, now feed me, cuz I’m so hungry. You don’t have to tell Swami Kwami what you’re thinking he already knows. Hey baby! God bless her cotton socks. If it had gone on another minute demon Kwami was about to come out. Please clear the dance floor In the Mix is about to start.
Turn ons: Choclate, giving presents, finding new characters to do so Katherine loses her mind.
Turn offs: Hearing “that guy” doing “that thing” through his wall, mean people.
Most memorable moments: The incredulous look he gave me when I said I didn’t think the production company would like to receive As I Lay Dying as a gift. When he first said God Bless her cotton socks, hunting for Ombres and realizing I had created swami kwami
Best quality: A true sweetheart, and his characters make me laugh because 1. they’re funny 2. He keeps doing them until they’re not funny anymore 3. He keeps doing them till they’re funny again. Gives good hugs.
Worst quality: That there is a demon kwami he hasn’t shown me yet.
Greatest tragedy: The amount of time I will have to wait before he reads this and I get to meet corporate raider kwami and Katharine wants to kill corporate raider Kwami.

JOE!
Position: Dancer
Origin: PITTSBURG!! Same as James. He’s just not as vocal about it.
Nickname: Destro, but with better abs
Nickname he doesn’t know he has: Harry Hotter and I’d like to see his penis (from the girls) He’s not so hot (from the guys)
Nickname he wishes he has: Elwood
Memorable quotes: I just got done with fountains I need a shower, no it’s fine! I guess I’ll just do the fucking handspring….again! Which fedora should I wear for this level of guitar hero? Yeah, James I know we’re both from Pittsburg (sigh), Bobby shut the fuck up!
Turn ons: Vests, caps, good beer, good wine, good times. Telling Bobby to shut up and then watching him walk away with that walk he does.
Turn offs: Dave’s back in Fountains, a place that could be considered home but is away from home, you know the place it has a lot of flags, The way Peter intensely stares at him during his Shipinmales routine.
Best quality: A very warm and easygoing person. Great sense of humour. Totally understands the subtleties of a spit take.
Worst quality: The smug look he gives the audience after he does his flips. Then the way he slaps a few of them after he gives the smug look, and then dares a cripple to try and do what he does, and then pulls the cripple out of his chair and rolls him around the floor, while taunting him by saying “Look at me I can do backflips like Joe! No you can’t cripple.” Then he kicks him while Nick laughs and rubs his hands together.
The thing I admire most: He can do that to a cripple and still get back on stage in time for the end of you can’t stop the beat.

JENNA!
Position: Singer
Origin: I have absolutely no idea where she came from. For the purposes of this lets just say she came out of the ocean in a giant shell and taught mortals how to defy gravity.
Nickname: Cherry Bomb
Nickname She doesn’t know she has: Janna Montana
Nickname she wishes she has: Fingerblast
Memorable quotes: Enough of this I’m going to the crew bar. Hmmm okay. W-O-W (three fingers up on the right, open mouth, three fingers up on the left), watch me do the running man, geez they’re like magnets those two, I’m going to hell, hey watch my bottle trick.
Turn ons: when the saints come marching in
Turn offs: when the saints call her at nine am
Best quality: The one who truly broke through the gap between the two casts, great singer, great laugh
Worst quality: She refuses to sing my rewrites of the songs in Wiked. “When you look to the western sky, you’ll say hey! I know that guy! Defying gravity!” is it that hard just record the damn thing and I’ll stop pestering you

KATHERINE!
Position: Dancer
Origin: I know she told me this but I can’t remember…so I’ll say Paris. Yeah, Paris.
Nikname: Dance, Dance Kath-eloution
Nickname she doesn’t know she has: Giggles
Nickname she wishes she had: Katharine who lives in a smoke free hallway
Memorable quotes: Look at Peter’s face! Kwami seriously cut it out. Peter, thanks a lot for creating Corporate raider Kwami (future quote), April open the door I locked myself out again, anal leakage ( Katy claims you said it first Katharine)
Turn ons: Her boyfriend, the superman song, watching Peter’s face when he listens to Ruebean, James’ dancing prowess, Pulp Fiction quotes
Turn offs: Clog dancing night at Majarini’s, global warming, Gengis Kwami
Best quality: A quiet confidence that inspires all, and a smile that lights a room. Oh yeah and the legs, and by legs I mean her mind, yeah she has a great pair of mind.
Worst quality: Behind those eyes lies a deadly secret. A secret that could rip not one but two casts asunder, and bring a cruise ship crashing to the bottom of the ocean. She won’t tell me that secret, although I think it might be she washes her clothes with tide.

Have yourself a merry little christmas

So lots and lots of photos for the holidays. Too bad I can never make my commentary match up to the photos. So lets just say a random bunch of stuff. James and Natalie get into a fight over who Santa loves more. Christmas tree, gingerbread houses, more christmas trees yadda yadda yadda.

Holiday photos

Happy Holidays! So this is how I spent my christmas. What do you do after an engine blows up? Have a party in an engine room.















How james keeps his cool




The saddest tree since a Charlie Brown Christmas special.

CODE BRAVO

One of the things about ship life we have to get used to are the announcements that seem to happen all the time. In the mornings the loudspeakers always seem to blaring about one thing or another. Either its telling people to get on tender boats, or telling the crew to run a drill, but mostly its to let people know that they are going to be playing bingo in the Galaxy of the stars.

It gets so that these announcements become like the buzzing of mosquitoes on a summer day. You don’t even think about it until one of them sucks on your blood, and you get malaria. Then you wonder why you spent you’re summer in Tanzania. So two weeks ago we were making our way back to New Orleans. It was like any other return trip, the passengers were exhausted from their vacations, and we were exhausted with the passengers who don’t believe in washing and sanitizing their hands before eating. I was sitting in my room knowing that I should probably be working on my blog but instead I was playing Warcraft counting the minutes until we got far enough up the Mississippi river that my phone would have service again and I could call my wife. Just as I was about to lay a beating on the scourge of the undead the ship started shaking violently.

Now the boat shaking is usually no big deal. It happens whenever they speed up or slow down the ship. Plus, the current captain has no interest in using the stabilizers on the boat. It saves gas, and if some people get seasick well then they’re just pussies. Now when the shaking first started I figured we had probably just entered the Mississippi river, the currents there are strong and take maneuvering. However the shaking did not stop instead it kept going and getting stronger and stronger. In my moment of distraction the scourge of the undead had sealed their victory over me. I was about to restart the game when suddenly through my wall I heard “Code Bravo, Code Bravo.” I was immediately intrigued because this was one of the few codes that I knew.

Now on the ships they have codes for all sorts of things. A code Delta is a biological hazard on the boat. What that means I have no idea, although if you eat at Raffles long enough you’ll experience a code Delta in the bathroom. What? Yeah, I just did a stupid joke. Boom. Deal with it. No. boom. Deal with it. Then there is code Oscar, which means somebody, has fallen off the boat. We had one just this morning. Which I’m surprised hasn’t happened sooner. On the days we are in Belize we anchor a couple of miles offshore and smaller boats come and pick up the passengers and then take them to shore. So in my opinion it was only a matter of time before some goofball decided he didn’t need any help getting on to one of these boats and fell in. In my wildest dreams I always hope that the person falls in driving a little rascal scooter. Not that I want anything to happen to the person, but man do I hate those things. People who use them aren’t little rascals on their little rascals, they’re just humongous pains in the ass. Hey buddy, if you have the strength to get off the boat and into another one then how about not forcing three crew members to pick up you’re five hundred pound fat ass trolley. If you can’t move have the decency to ask the ship to borrow a wheel chair, their lighter. Sorry I’m venting. Anyway the most important code on the ship is CODE BRAVO.

The most dangerous thing on a ship is fire. I know this because I’ve been told this over a hundred times now since being on the ship. Since being on the ship we’ve had two Code Bravo’s: One when there was a fire in Raffles (the buffet) that was quickly put out, but had the whole crew scrambling. The second is what I’m now talking about. So when I first heard Code Bravo I thought “Another fire in Raffles.” And since I delight in irony I decided to go out and have a cigarette. When I stepped out of my room one of my room stewards Bogart was standing there. Bogart has been working on ships a long time. He seems to know everything, so I figured I should gauge the Bravo situation with him. “Did I hear Code Bravo?” I asked him. “Yes, Mr. Peter.” He responded. “Fire in the engine room.” I felt my stomach drop a little. Don’t we need engines? Hmmmmm. Better ask Bogart. “Is that bad?” I asked him. “I wouldn’t worry about it Mr. Peter. Now I need to leave an inordinate amount of mints on your pillow and not fold your towels so they look like animals.” (sic) He said and then shrugged. I felt better immediately although a little sad that Bogart won’t fold towel animals for me. I guess we didn’t need engines, or maybe the fire was small.

I stepped out onto the deck and was greeted with the overwhelming smell of smoke. I checked to see if I had lit my cigarette without realizing it. Still unlit. Yet, it really smelled like smoke, like a lot of smoke. I surmised maybe I was having a sensory hallucination. I figured that an epileptic seizure was coming so I waited for a moment to see if the taste of chocolate covered cherries and the screams of children would fill my mouth and ears. It didn’t come. I then thought possibly I only smelled smoke because I was worried the fire might be big. Probably all in my head. Time to get a second opinion. So I went and knocked on my friend James’ door. He quickly answered and I asked him to follow me outside. “You hear that code bravo?” He inquired. I shook my head yes, and we stepped on the deck. “Am I crazy or do you smell smoke?” I asked him. “Holy fuck! It reeks of smoke out here. Hell you can see it man!” James exclaimed. I began to feel a little nervous, but I remember Bogart’s assurances and clamed myself. We walked further out onto the deck and looked up. Smoke was coming out of the top of the boat.

I understand smoke is supposed to come out of the top of boats. Yet usually it’s just small wisps of smoke. What James and I were looking at was the smoke coming out of every corner, crack, and crevice of the smoke stake. Smoke was belching out like the engine had drunk a bottle of Jaggermeister and decided to have a meal of raw chicken. OK. OK. Don’t panic I told myself. This could just LOOK bad, doesn’t mean it IS bad. We then heard people calling us from the deck below. A group of the youth counselors had gathered below us and looked panicked. “What is going on?” they yelled. I brushed them off. I was more interested in the smoke, and didn’t feel like dealing with the youth counselors. My feeling was that they work on the ship; they should know what’s going on. James went down to talk to them. I muttered to him “They haven’t sounded the alarm, we should all just relax.” A LOT OF SMOKE was coming out of the smoke stack. No alarm though. Nothing to worry about.

See when the shit really hits the fan and its necessary for everybody to bug out quick, they sound alarms. Five short blasts followed by one long blast. I think. I just know for certain short blasts followed by long means we have problems. So as I stood there dumbly staring at the smoke, James went down to talk to the youth counselors. From what he told me they were crying and very upset. There was smoke in the kid’s center and they weren’t getting any answers from anybody. Although I didn’t see any kids with them. So I could be wrong but my feeling was that instead of standing outside and crying maybe they should be with the kids. Of course for all I know the kids could have been out of my line of sight. Although even if they were, there is nothing like crying yourself to keep a kid calm. Kids love it when adults cry. It makes them feel safe.

“They haven’t sounded the alarm.” James told them calmly “There’s nothing to worry about. Everything will be fine.” I believe he may have even patted them on the shoulder to enforce the sense that there was no need to panic. Then the alarm sounded.

The blasts were short, but man did they seem long. I immediately started to head to my cabin. From below I heard James scream, “This is it! This is it!” I would’ve laughed immediately at the sight of James abandoning those youth counselors to their fate if I wasn’t to busy counting how many alarm blasts there had been. One. Two. Three. James is taking steps four at a time to meet me on the upper deck. FOUR. FIVE. Keep walking. “Hey what’s going on man? What is going ON?” A passenger was yelling at us. James was with me now. “Alarm.” James said curtly as we walked to our cabins. “Why is there an alarm?” the passenger nearly screamed at us. We just kept walking. Where was the long blast? Wasn’t there supposed to be a long blast? Maybe it had happened already. All those blasts seemed fucking long. Talk to Bogart. Bogart will know what to do. No need to panic the passenger, just ignore him. If this is real there will be an announcement soon.

We found Bogart standing in the hall. His eyes were very wide and he seemed glad to see us. “Is this real?” I asked Bogart. “Yes, Mr. Peter. Get you’re stuff.” With that said Bogart’s duty to James and me was fulfilled and he disappeared. My stomach felt very cold for a second, and then suddenly everything became very clear very quickly. Grab the wedding photo. Grab the cell phone and laptop. Make sure to have you’re passport and wallet. Call Tabitha and Katy see if they need any help. Make sure James doesn’t do anything crazy. Shawn will be fine; he’s been on these boats longer than any of us. He’s the big brother. No need to worry. Natalie’s parents are visiting, they are with her. They’ll take care of her. Grab you’re life jacket. Time to go. Wait. Make sure James isn’t doing anything crazy.

Everything I needed was in my computer bag and I went and knocked on James door. All I could imagine was James trying to take everything he owned. Filling another bag with the magnetic core of the earth. He answered the door with a frantic look on his face. “Take only what you need.” I said. I saw a lot of clothes on his bed. I imagined just knocking him out and throwing him over my shoulder, instead of helping him pack his hair products. Then the loudspeaker blared again. Here it comes. The announcement. James and I just stared at each other waiting to spring into action. “Hey folks Darin here, you’re cruise director. Sorry for the interruption to you’re evening but some of you might have heard some alarms sound. Nothing to worry about. False alarm. There was a small fire in the engine room that has been contained. It will have no effect on our docking time tomorrow. We will be in New Orleans at 8AM. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

Immediately the laughter came, James and me could not stop. We were crying we were laughing so hard. “Those poor youth counselors.” He shrieked. “You fucking abandoned them man! Hysterical.” “I guess I’m not a brave man.” We imagined Shawn going up to raffles in the middle of the boat being on fire to grab ice cream, we howled at the thought of James packing all his stuff and taking up a seat on a tender for his bag. The thought of both of us screaming “We’re passengers! We’re passengers! We’ve never even been in the crew bar.” Had us in giggling fits. Everything was fine.

Later that evening we learned it wasn’t exactly a small fire. That the engine was shot, and there were rumors that we were going to dry dock to repair it. The ship has about four engines I think. I guess one had already broken down earlier in the trip and I wasn’t aware of it. So now we were down to two. Everyone was talking excitedly of maybe having a week in New Orleans, or maybe going home! Yet, we were a week away from the holidays and I couldn’t imagine this boat stopping during its most profitable time of year. My thoughts were right, the boat left that Sunday night so that people could enjoy the Norwegian Cruise line philosophy of Freestyling! Yet due to the loss of the engine we lost Guatemala on our itinerary.

When I went back to my room and unpacked my computer bag, I realized that I had successfully only taken what was necessary. My heart, my soul, my mind, my voice, and my identity. In the end I guess what else are we?

Sunday

Well sunday's here and I find myself running around new orleans picking up present,grabbing a present, realizing that I didn't bring my camera and I haven't downloaded new pictures into the computer. Yeah, super busy day on the blog. I suck. So let me wish you all a very merry christmas. And there will be more pics on friday when I'm in cazumel.

Pics

Sunday will be a big day for the blog. We're covering production casts, ghost hunting on the boat, crew parties, christmas shows and new years resolutions. But for now new pics.


Lets start with James and Natalie doing the karaoke. It was there birthday I got drunk and wouldn't stop singing.


Me and the greatest waiter/bodygaurd on the boat. I give you TITO! Bang it now explode it! Boom!

Me, Natalie, and James do an interpretive dance representing the holy trinity. Try to figure out which one of us is the holy ghost. Hint....its the drunk one.

Me and Bree from the NCL production company doing death of a salesman. I've just informed Bree who is playing my boss that a man is not a piece of a fruit.

BLOG DELAYED ON ACCOUNT OF FIRE

I know I have to tell you about the dancers but what with christmas shopping, and boat fires not a lot of time. here is a picture or two. This is beautiful guetmala.

Natalie can try to step on my toes, but I be too quick...

So anyway on monday. I was quietly going about my day. It was a day at sea which meant that up at the crack of 10:20 to get breakfast before the buffet closed. Spend a few hours writing, a few hours playing games, draw more cartoons of my cast members, do an improv rehersal, and then more writing and games. It was looking to be a pretty full day. Then suddenly I got a call in my room and a sweet voice asked me why I wasn't down in the theatre. I assumed it was a ghost. Lately we've been hearing a lot of stories about ghosts on the boat. I was very excited, a ghost was about to tell me how much they loved my show and it sounded like a really sexy ghost. not that I would cheat on my wife with anybody even a deisembodied voice on the phone, but its nice to hear you're work is appreciated by "hot" people, dead or otherwise. Turns out it wasn't a ghost it was Bree one of the dancers (in fact dance captain!) of the NCL production company. There could only be one reason why she would be calling and asking me to come to the theatre. I was about to be asked to be a dancer!

I dance a lot on the boat, and let me tell you I rock! If you were at Anna Meiner's wedding you would know. I had noticed for weeks the dancers and singers of the NCL production company pointing and staring whenever I would Flu-baby boogie shoes on and go to dance town. Obviously they had seen the skill, and now probably one of the male dancers couldn't perform and I was being called up to the majors. As I made my way down to the theatre I wondered what had happened to the male dancer I was replacing. Probably decapitated by a ghost throwing a piece of metal in a rage because they can't figure out how to go to heaven. I made a mental note to send the ghosts a thank you note. Then a thought struck me what if they didn't want me to dance at all? Maybe they wanted me to sing!

My castmates Natalie and James share a birthday. So a few weeks prior we had thrown them a birthday party in a karaoke room. The boat offers private rooms for karaoke. I heard before Norwegian bought this boat the previous owners used the rooms as a place where their clentele could go and hang out with strippers, that were also hookers, that also sang KARAOKE! I could only imagine what Faith Hill's Breathe would sound like if a naked woman was singing it with a mouth full of....never mind. (Peter you're parents read this blog!) Well at this Karaoke party I rocked the mic hard, I sang every song. Natalie saide for her birthday she wanted to hear me sing, so I gave her the present of a lifetime. Now the NCL singers and dancers had been there as well. So they had heard me sing some billy joel. Looks like maybe I would be singing and dancing. I wondered what happened to the singers that led to them being unable to sing. I assumed one of them had been decapitated by a disgruntled worker pretending to be a ghost to scare people away from the boat, so he could buy it cheap and set up a floating amusement park. Knowing that the logic centers in my brain were in perfect working order I went into the theatre to meet my destiny.

Much to my chagrin the entire production companyt were all alive. No one had even been horribly maimed. Fucking gyp! I mean thank goodness. So they were all there and so were members of my cast. What was going on here? It could only mean one thing. KNIFE FIGHT FOR REHERSAL TIME!!!! I slowly began to unseathe my blade from the crack of my ass. It would be a tough fight since the production company has us outmanned two to one. I began to figure out my game plan. I would go for achilles tendons. Ruben and Joe would be my first targets since I figure they might be the biggest threats, although April looked pretty scrappy. I asked the ceremonial question before any good knife fight. "So why are we all here?" and I braced myself for the ceremonial answer. A thunderous shout of KNIFE FIGHT! and the blades would be flying and the blood would be spilling. Although hopefully not too much blood, I pass out easy. Instead I was greeted with "We're planning a Christmas show spectacular!! And we're all going to be in it!" I returned my knife to my ass crack. "And you're going to be Santa Claus!" Ruben screamed joyfully. I began to draw my blade again...from my ass crack.


So where am I going with all of this? If you've been reading my blog you know probably nowhere but in my mind I see us talking about the NCL Production company! BOOM! Three points! BOOM! I just beat you to the punch In-nat-culous Sullivan! I'm talking about them first. Go back to loser town population Two-na. Oh by the way if you want to read a real blog that is very funny and inisghtful check out my friend Natalie's at www.nataliesyachtrock.blogspot.com. More pictures, more funny comments and a narrative flow that makes sense. Only at www.nataliesyachtrock.blogspot.com!!


The production company is a group of singers and dancers who work on the boat. They do A LOT OF STUFF. They do a show called Broadway, where they do a medley of songs from a theatre called BROADWAY that I think is in Indiana. I really want to see what the show looks like in Indiana because Natalie told me that these are only a few of the songs from the show. Kind of a best of. From what I can piece together from the show on the boat, the story of this musical is this a guy breaks up with her boyfriend puts on a sequined jumpsuit, gets her friends to put on sequined jumpsuits and they sing abba songs leading to a knife fight where the winner takes it all. After the knife fight one of the friends says I'm moving out! and he and his friends roll up their jeans and like a bunch of angry young men help their friend move out of his apartment, by holding him above their heads. He looks like Jesus on the cross as he's moving out. So you know he's one of those guys. The kind that ask you to help them move, and then bitch about how heavy their stuff is, and you end up doing all the work. So after he moves out his girlfriend is really upset and she moves to the land of OZ. I guess her boyfriend had a blog and only told his side of the relationship because when she gets to OZ everybody prejudges her before getting to know her and call her wicked. If only she had move to boston, them calling her wicked, would've been a good thing. Anyway she gets an apartment in the emerald city and she makes a friend. A LOUSY FRIEND. Her friend is the type of girl that makes friends with girls not as attractive as her so she can come off being the hot one. Or the "POPULAR" one. Gross. Anyway the chick is like fuck this I moved from New York to put up with this shit? I dont think so? Then she defies gravity and people are looking to the western sky and going holy crap she can defy gravity....that's WICKED! So I think she moves to Boston after all. Where she ends up in a nightclub singing songs, I couldn't follow the next part of the story because it was really JAZZY. And when things get Jazzy (unless the jazzy is followed by the name Jeff and preceeded by the title DJ) I start to lose focus. So all I can say about the next part is that there was a lot of dancing and I rode a paddle boat with Ricky Gervais. So then the story jumps to twenty years later, and the girl has had a daughter who loves to sing and dance but she doesn't anymore. Oh and its the sixities woh oh oh, welcome to it. The chick who defied gravity is now living in Baltimore and her daughter wants to hang out with the nicest kids in town, but the nicest kids in town are kind of dumb. This TV journalist who sings and interviews them explains that they aren't going to get into college. Even though one of the kids names is IQ!!!! I guess in this story nice=dumb. Not sure if I care for that message, but I can't argue with its inherient truth. Anyway the daughter shows the mom the joy of dancing and singing again and then this guy Joe does like TEN BACKFLIPS!!!! At which point I was in love with this show, and hoped they did a sequel about the backflip guy trying to get into college on a backflip scholarship. I would call the show "Tommy"

So then they do another show called "On the Radio" which I have retitled "Radio, Radio" because its a better title. Anyway in this show they take us through the history of music from 1967 and to 1997. Basically from when music first came into existance and when it stopped. To explain this show think of your top ten favorite songs of all time, AND BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Because if you say Lou Rawls, or SMASHING PUMPIKINS, or the Beatles you're lying to yourself and just trying to be elitist. For you people all I can say is go back to OZ and be popular. Gross. Now after you've been honest with yourself you would say my favorite songs are.....

1. taking care of business. Guess what in the show!

2. That green day song about the time of your life......guess what in the show and the performers hold hands and almost kiss. Super hot!

3. CHUMBAWAMBA's I get knocked down......Prepare for you're ass to meet the floor because this show will knock you down because its in there!

4. Get Down tonight........Yeah, its there now get back up

5. The Star Wars theme.......Natalie says I'm wrong about this one, but I'm pretty sure Joe did backflips to it.

6. Sweet Home Alabama........Take that Nirvana! I'm sure Kurt Corbain became suicidal because he couldn't write a song this catchy.

7. Rolling down the river (the ike turner version).....Great song, kind of a dissapointment in the show. The performers chose to focus on the Tina aspect of the song instead of the Ike. Get it right people!

8. Weird Science!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shouldn't have to say anything more but I will.......everybody is covered in glow tape and they have glowing hoola hooops.

9. Whip it!! The singer dances like a robot....like a robot!!!!! Then the star wars theme came back. NO NATALIE IT DID!!!

10. Cup of Life.........The song so perfect that no music came after it. Ole' ole' ole'


The performers of the production company also do specialty nights where they teach people to dance. There's latin night where they teach us the best way to dance to steal jobs from Americans and infuriate Lou Dobbs. There's swing night which makes old people feel young again, and gives us the oppritunity to pity them. I LOVE SWING NIGHT! Even though the steps are hard. Then there is Hip Hop night. Where they dance to the works of Beatrix Potter with a focus on Peter Rabbit. I haven't made it to this night yet. Mostly because I was teased cruelly as a child because I shared the name of title character. Also I kept losing my shoes and Jacket in Mr. McGregor's garden after gorging myself on vegetables with my scottish cousin Benjamin. They do a beer festival night created by our cruise director which is the most authentic beer this side of Germany. As a young man I dreamed of going to Germany to witness the beer festivals, what with their pinatas, racing stripes, sing alongs to Jim Croche songs, and then dancers teaching us line dancing. Well now I don't have to go to Germany, because its on my boat. A true beer festival with pinatas, racing stripes, jim croche, and line dancing ach un leiber I am und luv!

They also do work on the ship like swiping cards when people get on and off, fighting fires. Fires they create with their smoking dancing and singing probably, and repel pirates with water cannons and hand grenades. These guys are very busy and it makes me feel almost ashamed of how little I do on the boat. Almost. I would do backflips but it makes my epilepsy act up.

So now we are going to do a christmas show with the production company. I have been cast as Santa Clause. It is going to really fill up my schedule for the next week. So now that we know what the production company does, tommorrow we will meet them. And after that my blog will change to COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS: THE YULE-AGEDDON. CUE STAR WARS MUSIC NATALIE!!

I promise I'll talk about NCL production company next week

For now this will have to do Happy thanksgiving! two weeks later!


Oh and Waffle Joe; James' friend from Pittsburg who got Katy pregnant, well he says hello. Hey waffle joe! Be a man! Step up! You know its you're kid! YEAH I JUST CALLED YOU OUT ON MY BLOG! Oh and tell you're lame ass rapper friend soft serv cupoicecream 1. worst rapper name ever! 2. Shawn is still waiting for an apology for that thing he did. That thing being not letting shawn devour him. Okay maybe I'm mad about his rapper name. BUT BITCH CALL KATY BEFORE I GIVE YOUR KIDNEYS AN ABORTION WITH MY FIST!! fucking waffle joe. Fuck you. and Fuck Pittsburg. Not the part James came from, just your part. FUCK WAFFLETOWN!

Why Am I So Loved?

So after last week’s touch feely emo-fest I felt as a writer I should go back to doing what I do best. Hard hitting op-ed pieces where I tackle the pertinent issues of the day with my own wry style and lack of any editing. (See if you can find the words I intentionally misspell for the sake of irony) So what to cover this week? The Republican debate? Probably not, I watched them at the same time as I was playing Warcraft. So right now the best republican candidate for me is Gorn Froststorm a level 5-dwarfen warrior, whose bash attack is frightening but frankly his manna recuperation rate leaves something to be desired. Oh legions of the undead how do you build your ziggurats so quickly! Okay, I’m getting off topic here. Or I could cover the mall shooting in Omaha; have some witty insight and strong thoughts on gun control. Yet, it would seem crass to do it here especially since I only caught the tail end of the story and watched Anderson Cooper struggle not to cry…again. Maybe I should try to find a funny angle about Oprah hanging out with Barrack Obama. Nope, I’m coming up with nothing. She thinks he’s a good choice for president, nothing wrong with that. I admit though I fear Oprah, so I will not say an unkind word about her or her legions of brainwashed housewives who pray for the day that Oprah will swoop in like the angel Gabriel and give them cars, new homes, and books to read to make them feel smart. So what controversial topic am I going to cover this week? I assume you read the title….yeah, that’s what I’m covering. It was more of a rhetorical question. NATALIE SAVE YOUR PITHY COMMENTS FOR WINDOWS! So lets jump right in. Why am I so loved?


Hard to say really, I wasn’t always so universally loved, or should I say people’s love for me was so great that it terrified them, because the love they were experiencing for me is close to the love GOD has for all of us. I’m kind of like that monolith that shows up in front of the cavemen in 2001 A Space Odyssey. They know they are looking at something amazing but its beyond their comprehension and they start throwing bones at it and then beat the shit out of each other. People look at me and the love they feel is so great and overwhelming that their primitive minds go crazier than a monkey in a polio vaccine factory and they start throwing things like dirt, stones, beer bottles, precious moments figurines. Instead of beating the shit of each other though people want to beat the shit out of me, because the overwhelming power of the love they feel toward my inherient greatness nearly cripples them, and no one wants to be a cripple. Ask anybody in a wheelchair and they’ll admit that if the disease of accident that put them there were an actual human. (Let’s call this human Darin, for fun’s sake) Darin would have his schedule chock full of ass whippings, beatings, blugeonings, and anvils dropped on his head.


Yet I know what you’re saying to yourself. Peter I’ve never wanted to physically assault you. I love you! Ahhh there is the rub. You’re not feeling the full amount of love you possibly can feel to me. I hide my full glorious potential until such time as the human race has evolved enough to comprehend it without their heads exploding or having to push my face into a puddle with dog feecees in it. I mask my glory. I’m an actor I have training in doing this. Yes I hide my glorious wonder with a costume of buffoonery and ineptitude. I had to learn to do this quickly because my older brother loved me so much he nearly killed me on several occasions. My mother loved me so much she knocked out a tooth with a magnetic belt. My dad loved me so much he pushed me down a flight of stairs in a box. (Note: My older brother was in the box too. He is also loved just not as much as me) So I soon learned from the angel Gabriel who climbed in my window one night in a ski mask, and holding a loft his flaming flashlight and bowie knife that I was special that my dislike of soup was actual the sign of God’s special love for me. You see the greatest trick the devil ever played on mankind was to make us all believe he doesn’t exist and that soup is good. That I was in fact a divine being sent to help people by making them realize how much they love me. He then took my piggy bank and my younger brother’s twin Denward. He told me God needed money for the waterbill and God’s wife couldn’t have babies and had taking a liking to Denward in a JC Penny. Who was I too argue with the will of God?

So now I pretend to be just normal like the rest of you. With a big dumb grin, silly dances, misspoken words (yeah, Sharon I mispronounce words on purpose so the love you have for me doesn’t kill you! In your face! With my love!) I make myself less until you are ready to fully accept in your hearts the love you have for me. Don’t believe me? Look at my cast and friends on the boat who have only known me two months, see how their love for me is killing them? My director TJ had to spread his arms SO WIDE just to show me a fragment of the love he has for me. Oh and I found the angel Gabriel. God turned him into Santa Clause! Then I guess he somehow got chemical burns to the face. Oh and animals and bones love me too!








Animals and bones going crazy for me




How much love? This much love?












alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5142078374883736114" />














































































































































Guess what Natalie just figured out how much she loves me…….shhhhh it’s a secret. Her head exploded three seconds later.