So anyway on monday. I was quietly going about my day. It was a day at sea which meant that up at the crack of 10:20 to get breakfast before the buffet closed. Spend a few hours writing, a few hours playing games, draw more cartoons of my cast members, do an improv rehersal, and then more writing and games. It was looking to be a pretty full day. Then suddenly I got a call in my room and a sweet voice asked me why I wasn't down in the theatre. I assumed it was a ghost. Lately we've been hearing a lot of stories about ghosts on the boat. I was very excited, a ghost was about to tell me how much they loved my show and it sounded like a really sexy ghost. not that I would cheat on my wife with anybody even a deisembodied voice on the phone, but its nice to hear you're work is appreciated by "hot" people, dead or otherwise. Turns out it wasn't a ghost it was Bree one of the dancers (in fact dance captain!) of the NCL production company. There could only be one reason why she would be calling and asking me to come to the theatre. I was about to be asked to be a dancer!
I dance a lot on the boat, and let me tell you I rock! If you were at Anna Meiner's wedding you would know. I had noticed for weeks the dancers and singers of the NCL production company pointing and staring whenever I would Flu-baby boogie shoes on and go to dance town. Obviously they had seen the skill, and now probably one of the male dancers couldn't perform and I was being called up to the majors. As I made my way down to the theatre I wondered what had happened to the male dancer I was replacing. Probably decapitated by a ghost throwing a piece of metal in a rage because they can't figure out how to go to heaven. I made a mental note to send the ghosts a thank you note. Then a thought struck me what if they didn't want me to dance at all? Maybe they wanted me to sing!
My castmates Natalie and James share a birthday. So a few weeks prior we had thrown them a birthday party in a karaoke room. The boat offers private rooms for karaoke. I heard before Norwegian bought this boat the previous owners used the rooms as a place where their clentele could go and hang out with strippers, that were also hookers, that also sang KARAOKE! I could only imagine what Faith Hill's Breathe would sound like if a naked woman was singing it with a mouth full of....never mind. (Peter you're parents read this blog!) Well at this Karaoke party I rocked the mic hard, I sang every song. Natalie saide for her birthday she wanted to hear me sing, so I gave her the present of a lifetime. Now the NCL singers and dancers had been there as well. So they had heard me sing some billy joel. Looks like maybe I would be singing and dancing. I wondered what happened to the singers that led to them being unable to sing. I assumed one of them had been decapitated by a disgruntled worker pretending to be a ghost to scare people away from the boat, so he could buy it cheap and set up a floating amusement park. Knowing that the logic centers in my brain were in perfect working order I went into the theatre to meet my destiny.
Much to my chagrin the entire production companyt were all alive. No one had even been horribly maimed. Fucking gyp! I mean thank goodness. So they were all there and so were members of my cast. What was going on here? It could only mean one thing. KNIFE FIGHT FOR REHERSAL TIME!!!! I slowly began to unseathe my blade from the crack of my ass. It would be a tough fight since the production company has us outmanned two to one. I began to figure out my game plan. I would go for achilles tendons. Ruben and Joe would be my first targets since I figure they might be the biggest threats, although April looked pretty scrappy. I asked the ceremonial question before any good knife fight. "So why are we all here?" and I braced myself for the ceremonial answer. A thunderous shout of KNIFE FIGHT! and the blades would be flying and the blood would be spilling. Although hopefully not too much blood, I pass out easy. Instead I was greeted with "We're planning a Christmas show spectacular!! And we're all going to be in it!" I returned my knife to my ass crack. "And you're going to be Santa Claus!" Ruben screamed joyfully. I began to draw my blade again...from my ass crack.
So where am I going with all of this? If you've been reading my blog you know probably nowhere but in my mind I see us talking about the NCL Production company! BOOM! Three points! BOOM! I just beat you to the punch In-nat-culous Sullivan! I'm talking about them first. Go back to loser town population Two-na. Oh by the way if you want to read a real blog that is very funny and inisghtful check out my friend Natalie's at www.nataliesyachtrock.blogspot.com. More pictures, more funny comments and a narrative flow that makes sense. Only at www.nataliesyachtrock.blogspot.com!!
The production company is a group of singers and dancers who work on the boat. They do A LOT OF STUFF. They do a show called Broadway, where they do a medley of songs from a theatre called BROADWAY that I think is in Indiana. I really want to see what the show looks like in Indiana because Natalie told me that these are only a few of the songs from the show. Kind of a best of. From what I can piece together from the show on the boat, the story of this musical is this a guy breaks up with her boyfriend puts on a sequined jumpsuit, gets her friends to put on sequined jumpsuits and they sing abba songs leading to a knife fight where the winner takes it all. After the knife fight one of the friends says I'm moving out! and he and his friends roll up their jeans and like a bunch of angry young men help their friend move out of his apartment, by holding him above their heads. He looks like Jesus on the cross as he's moving out. So you know he's one of those guys. The kind that ask you to help them move, and then bitch about how heavy their stuff is, and you end up doing all the work. So after he moves out his girlfriend is really upset and she moves to the land of OZ. I guess her boyfriend had a blog and only told his side of the relationship because when she gets to OZ everybody prejudges her before getting to know her and call her wicked. If only she had move to boston, them calling her wicked, would've been a good thing. Anyway she gets an apartment in the emerald city and she makes a friend. A LOUSY FRIEND. Her friend is the type of girl that makes friends with girls not as attractive as her so she can come off being the hot one. Or the "POPULAR" one. Gross. Anyway the chick is like fuck this I moved from New York to put up with this shit? I dont think so? Then she defies gravity and people are looking to the western sky and going holy crap she can defy gravity....that's WICKED! So I think she moves to Boston after all. Where she ends up in a nightclub singing songs, I couldn't follow the next part of the story because it was really JAZZY. And when things get Jazzy (unless the jazzy is followed by the name Jeff and preceeded by the title DJ) I start to lose focus. So all I can say about the next part is that there was a lot of dancing and I rode a paddle boat with Ricky Gervais. So then the story jumps to twenty years later, and the girl has had a daughter who loves to sing and dance but she doesn't anymore. Oh and its the sixities woh oh oh, welcome to it. The chick who defied gravity is now living in Baltimore and her daughter wants to hang out with the nicest kids in town, but the nicest kids in town are kind of dumb. This TV journalist who sings and interviews them explains that they aren't going to get into college. Even though one of the kids names is IQ!!!! I guess in this story nice=dumb. Not sure if I care for that message, but I can't argue with its inherient truth. Anyway the daughter shows the mom the joy of dancing and singing again and then this guy Joe does like TEN BACKFLIPS!!!! At which point I was in love with this show, and hoped they did a sequel about the backflip guy trying to get into college on a backflip scholarship. I would call the show "Tommy"
So then they do another show called "On the Radio" which I have retitled "Radio, Radio" because its a better title. Anyway in this show they take us through the history of music from 1967 and to 1997. Basically from when music first came into existance and when it stopped. To explain this show think of your top ten favorite songs of all time, AND BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. Because if you say Lou Rawls, or SMASHING PUMPIKINS, or the Beatles you're lying to yourself and just trying to be elitist. For you people all I can say is go back to OZ and be popular. Gross. Now after you've been honest with yourself you would say my favorite songs are.....
1. taking care of business. Guess what in the show!
2. That green day song about the time of your life......guess what in the show and the performers hold hands and almost kiss. Super hot!
3. CHUMBAWAMBA's I get knocked down......Prepare for you're ass to meet the floor because this show will knock you down because its in there!
4. Get Down tonight........Yeah, its there now get back up
5. The Star Wars theme.......Natalie says I'm wrong about this one, but I'm pretty sure Joe did backflips to it.
6. Sweet Home Alabama........Take that Nirvana! I'm sure Kurt Corbain became suicidal because he couldn't write a song this catchy.
7. Rolling down the river (the ike turner version).....Great song, kind of a dissapointment in the show. The performers chose to focus on the Tina aspect of the song instead of the Ike. Get it right people!
8. Weird Science!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shouldn't have to say anything more but I will.......everybody is covered in glow tape and they have glowing hoola hooops.
9. Whip it!! The singer dances like a robot....like a robot!!!!! Then the star wars theme came back. NO NATALIE IT DID!!!
10. Cup of Life.........The song so perfect that no music came after it. Ole' ole' ole'
The performers of the production company also do specialty nights where they teach people to dance. There's latin night where they teach us the best way to dance to steal jobs from Americans and infuriate Lou Dobbs. There's swing night which makes old people feel young again, and gives us the oppritunity to pity them. I LOVE SWING NIGHT! Even though the steps are hard. Then there is Hip Hop night. Where they dance to the works of Beatrix Potter with a focus on Peter Rabbit. I haven't made it to this night yet. Mostly because I was teased cruelly as a child because I shared the name of title character. Also I kept losing my shoes and Jacket in Mr. McGregor's garden after gorging myself on vegetables with my scottish cousin Benjamin. They do a beer festival night created by our cruise director which is the most authentic beer this side of Germany. As a young man I dreamed of going to Germany to witness the beer festivals, what with their pinatas, racing stripes, sing alongs to Jim Croche songs, and then dancers teaching us line dancing. Well now I don't have to go to Germany, because its on my boat. A true beer festival with pinatas, racing stripes, jim croche, and line dancing ach un leiber I am und luv!
They also do work on the ship like swiping cards when people get on and off, fighting fires. Fires they create with their smoking dancing and singing probably, and repel pirates with water cannons and hand grenades. These guys are very busy and it makes me feel almost ashamed of how little I do on the boat. Almost. I would do backflips but it makes my epilepsy act up.
So now we are going to do a christmas show with the production company. I have been cast as Santa Clause. It is going to really fill up my schedule for the next week. So now that we know what the production company does, tommorrow we will meet them. And after that my blog will change to COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS: THE YULE-AGEDDON. CUE STAR WARS MUSIC NATALIE!!
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