NCL PRODUCTION CAST PROFILES

Part 1 of the profiles

I GIVE YOU THE NCL PRODUCTION CAST

If my Second City cast would be considered my immediate family on the boat, then the dancers and the singers would be considered my extended family. The cousins if you will.

It took a little while for the two casts to warm up to each other at first. According to the dancers and singers they attempted to make friends with us on the first week of our stay on the Spirit. The myth of this attempt goes as such: They had just finished a rehearsal and we were beginning ours. They tried to say hello and we just kept our backs turned to them. As with all myths I’m sure there is some truth somewhere in there. I do believe they made an attempt but I challenge that it was a weak attempt. In my mind I see them furiously waving at us, but whispering “hi.”

Now as far as us trying to make friends with NCL Production Company at first there is no myth behind it. We just didn’t make an attempt. At first they seemed very distant and none of us seemed to have the confidence necessary to go up and say hi. Slowly though over time, we started making inroads with them and they with us. By the time our first month was over we had all started to get to know each other. That’s when things got interesting. I can honestly say I’ve never met people quite like the NCL Production Company. Like my Second City Cast their age range is across the map. Their youngest is 18 their oldest almost 40. They are all unabashedly sweet and kind to us, as I assume we are to them. (I only assume because I never know when I might piss someone off with an ill placed bit) They are all very good people whom I’m glad I know.

It seems good comedians and improvisers are born from childhoods where pain, fear, hard life trials, ostrichazation, and humiliations are the norm. Not to say God hasn’t blessed us all with a gift to do what we do. The problem the gift only activates or manifests itself when it is first used in self-defense. It is an armor that we learn to wear, so the slings and arrows that are hurled at us because of our obesity, our shyness, or the time we pissed ourselves after passing out in the seventh grade, don’t hurt as bad. Only with training do we learn to make it an offensive weapon that stuns those who would hurt us and takes their taunts and transforms them into applause. Not to say there aren’t really funny people who were the cool kid in school, and had great parents, and no problems with the opposite sex. It’s just that those comedians are Dane Cook. He’s funny right? He had a show on HBO.

Where singers and dancers come from I have no fricking clue. I was not blessed with a voice that could pull emotions out of other people. Nor has my body been ever blessed with the same amount of confidence and killer instinct that my wits carry with them. Obviously in the respect of God touching people and delivering talent upon them I guess we are similar. An ability to dance and sing is there from the moment we are. Yet is there an activator? If there were, I would love to know what it is. It just seems downright inconceivable to me that you could take an ass beating in a super market by you’re mother and then run up to your room and sing Billy Joel or do a pirouette. Whereas I can see a person crying so hard in their room, they fart, and that makes them laugh, and then they spend an hour and half trying to recreate that sound either in their armpit or into their hands. Of course I could be totally wrong maybe if I ask the dancers and singers they will tell me a story of how they were falsely invited to a party only to get their ass kicked and then they dealt with it by doing a rendition of Oklahoma! To make myself more clear I’m saying in my comedy career have I met many people where their parents said “Hey you’re funny. Lets send you to classes to make you funnier.” I guess it does happen, I’m just willing to bet it happens seldom.

Whereas with singers and dancers the parents HAVE to see something in their kids. It’s the only way these kids are going to end up in dance class or voice lessons or piano lessons at five years old. Maybe this is just sour grapes because my parents didn’t see these things in me. Or maybe it’s sour grapes because my parents didn’t see it because it was never there. So what is the arc of a singer or a dancer, I’m not sure. By arc I mean how do they traverse through their life in a way that grows their art form. I assume it has to be through musical theatre. My problem with musical theatre is that I was only given speaking parts in every musical I was ever in. So even though I have been in musicals its kind of like if you were going to a zoo. You see a three-fingered sloth and then you see a gazelle, a tiger, or a some bird that sings good…like a vulture. Yeah, there all in the same place but hell they’re all different frigging animals. And some of those animals have unbelievable abs and some of them are three fingered-sloths who are good at one liners.

My point is musical theatre people are fucking crazy. Not in a bad way, like they’re going to keep you in a cooler in their basement but theatre crazy. Which means big personalities. You know fun crazy. Where at any moment they could be bitching about the boat and then do a back flip, grab a super soaker water gun burst into a cast mates room and just start spraying. Not that I know for a fact the dancers and singers do this but I like to imagine they do when I know I have about twenty minutes alone in my room.

Oh and did I mention the energy these guys have? Wow, when these guys are “on” they’re really on. They dance hard, they sing hard and then still have the energy to party like 1973 Led Zepplin albeit with guitar hero and fedoras. Their personalities always seem on the verge of exploding out of their bodies. Their energy is so potent it makes me a little drunk at times. But on the plus side they have made me an alcoholic because when these people laugh they really laugh. They laugh loud and with their whole bodies they are all a comedians wet dream. So now that I’ve waxed poetic long enough on our differences (which are minor) and our similarities (we’re all in the zoo, we loved to be looked at) Lets meet my lovable cousins.


ROLL CALL!!!!

Ruebean (I will never spell his name right. I refuse to now)
Position: Dance captain and I think he’s in charge of the whole company. I know he seems to do a lot of work all the time from making Nick make posters to making me play water volleyball.
Stage position: Dancer
Origin: Some latin place (I’ll say Puerto Rico) and then moved to Jersey.
Nickname: IQ
Nickname he doesn’t know he has: Jurgens body wash
Nickname he wishes he had: Smallville “Superman” Awesomewitz
Memorable quotes: Listen, you need to find some clean underwears if you’re going to be in Shipinmales. Bree you just grabbed that off my plate. You guys if someone wants to tango with you just leave the crew area.
Turn ons: His wife Bree, when a Christmas show comes together, Smallville
Turn offs: Laziness, people who hurt their ankles doing the running man (NO SYMPATHY), saying the word underwear in its singular form
Most memorable moments: This guy bit me. Seriously he bit me after Chantz’s show. Bree talk to him./ He painted himself blue/ He got us in the crew bar/ I spent six hours drawing a picture and all he says is I spelled his name wrong.
Best quality: His humongous heart and his desire for us all to achieve perfection.
Worst quality: He likes Superman better than Spiderman…..and he bit me.



Bree!
Position: Co-captain with Ruebean not sure if its official but she does tell people to get off her nuts a lot. So I assume she’s the boss of something. Being spooned by Ruebean.
Stage Position: Dancer
Origin: Pennsylvania. A farm community I think. Maybe Amish? Although with legs like that I assume the Amish kicked her out. Hard to raise a barn when there’s a barn already raised in your pants. Am I right? What? Gross, Peter. Not cool. Sorry. She’s from Pennsylvania.
Nickname: Skittles
Nickname she doesn’t know she has: Skattles
Nickname she wishes she had: Mrs. Fluet (sorry lady that job is taken!)
Memorable quotes: Ruebean it’s underwear! Get off my nut! Its okay if I steal you’re food we’re engaged. Mac and cheese, please! Take off that sombrero Katrina its bier festival you’re supposed to be jumping through flaming hoops.
Turn ons: Rubean, the rhythm that is gonna get you but got her a long time ago, blue lagoon at two am, mystery novels.
Turn offs: People who bring glass onto the dance floor of Majareni’s, trying to get Rubean to listen to her clues in Taboo “Don’t just guess anything Ruebean! Listen to what I’m fucking saying!” People who stand on her nuts.
Most memorable moments: When Ruebean bit me she just kind of rolled her eyes and said “don’t worry he doesn’t have anything” Her trying to teach me steps for swing night she looked at me with the same sympathy that one would give a retard as they tried to teach him to roller skate. The time she farted she doesn’t know I heard it but I did. We all do it , don’t worry about it.
Best quality: She really makes us all feel included, she works hard to keep all the myriad specialty nights going, she puts up with Ruebean.
Worst quality: She doesn’t get what the big deal is with Superman or Spiderman.

NICK!
Position: I think he’s in charge of the singers. He sure likes to tell people who can and can’t sing. Making posters. Computer expert. Photographer
Stage Position: Singer
Origin: He’s from California in the valley. His uncle was killed by a robber. A robber he could’ve stopped but instead he used his spider powers to win a wrestling match. Now he uses them for good. Wait am I still talking about Nick? Yeah, I think I am.
Nickname: Spider-nick
Nickname he doesn’t know he has: Platforms McBellbottoms
Nickname he wishes he had: KAHN!!!!!! Or Bellbottoms McPlatform
Memorable quotes:, em whaaaaaat? I just gotta finish a poster than I can teach you how to move photos around, buy a mac, I was a mac genius, I have a mac, did I mention I was a mac genius, Natalie you should have a mac. (For all other quotes just watch an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force)
Turn ons: Billy Joel, Photography, macs, funny people, unicorns!
Turn offs: People who don’t know the words to Allentown, PC’s, the fact I keep bringing up that he once said if they can’t sing, they WON’T sing, Waving a flag in a tight shirt while somebody shreds and calls for more juice.
Most memorable moment: When I drew him with a t-shirt saying buy a mac and ten he actually walked up to me wearing a mac shirt, the moment in the crew bar where I realized this guy thinks more about stuff than I do, the first time I saw him in his Abba costume, he was there for my LA rep tirade, when he choked that kid because he got his order wrong in Guatemala and then spit at a donkey.
Best quality: Affable, polite, good listener, and a lot of fun to hang with.
Worst quality: He likes to put people into colums those who can sing and those he won’t let sing.

KWAMI!
Position: I’m realizing that it was redundant to have the two position slots. So I’m phasing it out. Kwami is a singer.
Origin: New York born and raised. Yeah, street cred he gots it, and I get some from hanging out with him. So Reverand Run you ready to start Run DM PETE or what?
Nickname: Baby Kwami, Swami Kwami, Corporate raider Kwami, Kwami cut it out you’re getting on my nerves with that character!
Nickname he doesn’t know he has: Patient 238 has multiple personality disorder
Nickname he wishes he has: Kwami Christos Superstar!
Memorable quotes: I’m a baby I’ve wet myself, now feed me, cuz I’m so hungry. You don’t have to tell Swami Kwami what you’re thinking he already knows. Hey baby! God bless her cotton socks. If it had gone on another minute demon Kwami was about to come out. Please clear the dance floor In the Mix is about to start.
Turn ons: Choclate, giving presents, finding new characters to do so Katherine loses her mind.
Turn offs: Hearing “that guy” doing “that thing” through his wall, mean people.
Most memorable moments: The incredulous look he gave me when I said I didn’t think the production company would like to receive As I Lay Dying as a gift. When he first said God Bless her cotton socks, hunting for Ombres and realizing I had created swami kwami
Best quality: A true sweetheart, and his characters make me laugh because 1. they’re funny 2. He keeps doing them until they’re not funny anymore 3. He keeps doing them till they’re funny again. Gives good hugs.
Worst quality: That there is a demon kwami he hasn’t shown me yet.
Greatest tragedy: The amount of time I will have to wait before he reads this and I get to meet corporate raider kwami and Katharine wants to kill corporate raider Kwami.

JOE!
Position: Dancer
Origin: PITTSBURG!! Same as James. He’s just not as vocal about it.
Nickname: Destro, but with better abs
Nickname he doesn’t know he has: Harry Hotter and I’d like to see his penis (from the girls) He’s not so hot (from the guys)
Nickname he wishes he has: Elwood
Memorable quotes: I just got done with fountains I need a shower, no it’s fine! I guess I’ll just do the fucking handspring….again! Which fedora should I wear for this level of guitar hero? Yeah, James I know we’re both from Pittsburg (sigh), Bobby shut the fuck up!
Turn ons: Vests, caps, good beer, good wine, good times. Telling Bobby to shut up and then watching him walk away with that walk he does.
Turn offs: Dave’s back in Fountains, a place that could be considered home but is away from home, you know the place it has a lot of flags, The way Peter intensely stares at him during his Shipinmales routine.
Best quality: A very warm and easygoing person. Great sense of humour. Totally understands the subtleties of a spit take.
Worst quality: The smug look he gives the audience after he does his flips. Then the way he slaps a few of them after he gives the smug look, and then dares a cripple to try and do what he does, and then pulls the cripple out of his chair and rolls him around the floor, while taunting him by saying “Look at me I can do backflips like Joe! No you can’t cripple.” Then he kicks him while Nick laughs and rubs his hands together.
The thing I admire most: He can do that to a cripple and still get back on stage in time for the end of you can’t stop the beat.

JENNA!
Position: Singer
Origin: I have absolutely no idea where she came from. For the purposes of this lets just say she came out of the ocean in a giant shell and taught mortals how to defy gravity.
Nickname: Cherry Bomb
Nickname She doesn’t know she has: Janna Montana
Nickname she wishes she has: Fingerblast
Memorable quotes: Enough of this I’m going to the crew bar. Hmmm okay. W-O-W (three fingers up on the right, open mouth, three fingers up on the left), watch me do the running man, geez they’re like magnets those two, I’m going to hell, hey watch my bottle trick.
Turn ons: when the saints come marching in
Turn offs: when the saints call her at nine am
Best quality: The one who truly broke through the gap between the two casts, great singer, great laugh
Worst quality: She refuses to sing my rewrites of the songs in Wiked. “When you look to the western sky, you’ll say hey! I know that guy! Defying gravity!” is it that hard just record the damn thing and I’ll stop pestering you

KATHERINE!
Position: Dancer
Origin: I know she told me this but I can’t remember…so I’ll say Paris. Yeah, Paris.
Nikname: Dance, Dance Kath-eloution
Nickname she doesn’t know she has: Giggles
Nickname she wishes she had: Katharine who lives in a smoke free hallway
Memorable quotes: Look at Peter’s face! Kwami seriously cut it out. Peter, thanks a lot for creating Corporate raider Kwami (future quote), April open the door I locked myself out again, anal leakage ( Katy claims you said it first Katharine)
Turn ons: Her boyfriend, the superman song, watching Peter’s face when he listens to Ruebean, James’ dancing prowess, Pulp Fiction quotes
Turn offs: Clog dancing night at Majarini’s, global warming, Gengis Kwami
Best quality: A quiet confidence that inspires all, and a smile that lights a room. Oh yeah and the legs, and by legs I mean her mind, yeah she has a great pair of mind.
Worst quality: Behind those eyes lies a deadly secret. A secret that could rip not one but two casts asunder, and bring a cruise ship crashing to the bottom of the ocean. She won’t tell me that secret, although I think it might be she washes her clothes with tide.